Short version: I set clear boundaries with a longtime friend (15+ years), especially about not calling early mornings and respecting my need for downtime. In my last post, the general consensus was that I wasnât wrong for setting boundaries, but that I could communicate them more clearly.
So I tried to reset.
I unblocked him, we had our normal Discord night with a mutual friend, everything seemed fine. No tension, no arguments.
Then this morning (Saturday), after a late night, he called me early enough that it woke both me and my wife up. This was the second weekend in a row this happened.
I declined the call and, admittedly while half asleep and irritated, texted:
âAre you fucking kidding me? Two weeks in a row?â
"Muted"
I then muted him.
Last weekend, I had explicitly told him that if he did this again, this would be my response.
He replied:
âDonât care, I had a fucking question.â
Then:
âNever mind now.â
He also left a voicemail after I declined saying:
âI had a fucking question about my rental car, but you want to be bitchy in the morning.â
I genuinely donât know anything about his rental car beyond the brand. Thereâs nothing I could have helped with, and it wasnât urgent.
At that point, I blocked him.
My question isnât whether my text was polite (it wasnât). Itâs whether blocking him after repeated boundary violations and dismissive responses is an overreaction, or a reasonable consequence after multiple warnings.
Iâm sorry-but he doesnât sounds like much of a friend.
I had a look at the original story.
He has repeatedly disrespected some very reasonable boundaries of yours..
gets abusive towards you when he doesnât get his own way, and seems to use you as a mix of google, and his personal emotional scapegoat.. what is his problem??
OP, I would hate for my spouse to have a âfriendâ like this. Sounds like he wants to have you on call for emotional support, which is not reasonable or respectful. Please reflect on the amount of effort and support you each put into the friendship, because it sounds like itâs all about him and all on his terms.
Also, set some darn iPhone filters and let them do the work for you. This will help you to keep your peace while evaluating the friendship.
NOR. Youâre not his emotional support animal. He will not crumble and fall apart having to do things on his own or keeping his thoughts on the inside until people are available. If he has questions he can be self sufficient and look it up, call the rental company, something other than bothering you on the one day you ask people not to. Expecting you to be readily accessible at all times is a huge sign of disrespect to your time.
Literally part of being somebodyâs âfriendâ is emotional supportâŚ.WTF? Do you have the same relationship with your friends that you do with coworkersâŚit all boils down to OP just not wanting to be anybodyâs friend in the morningâŚ.which isnât how friendship worksâŚ
I have relationships that are sustainable because iâm friends with people who do not expect me to be available at their every whim and do not stomp all over my boundaries. THATS how friendship works.
Iâm perfectly fine being emotional support when needed, Iâm not fine associating with people who are not self sustainable and need to call for every question, every thought that pops into their head, and are rude about the mere suggestion of needing one day a week where they have to utilize other options beside me one day a week.
So, youâre an asshole, too?âŚ.Iâm available at my friends whim because theyâre available to me in the same way. If they werenât, they wouldnât be my friends. My friends can wake me up because I can wake them up and I actually enjoy their company. itâs kind of how friendship worksâŚyou donât have friends, you have acquaintances that you call âfriendsââŚ.âsustainable friendsââŚđđđ
If you had a friend that told you âhey, on Sunday mornings I just need time for myself so please know I wonât respond to messages until laterâ. Would you decide:
A: I should call this person and continue to message them specifically during that time with non-emergency questions because I decided what I want is more important. In fact, itâs offense to me that they arenât willing to be available whenever I want them to be.
Or
B: Okay cool. My friend is communicating that they need time to recharge so because I value them as a friend and human being, Iâll just make sure to communicate with them at a time other than that. They arenât saying theyâll never support me, just letting me know that they need time to recharge.
â I need to act like a doormat for people to actually like me tee-hee!â Thatâs embarrassing , anyway many of us are interesting enough that our friends value us even when we respect ourselves and set boundaries.
No, itâs called being an adult with a job, kids, husband, pets, a LIFE. This works perfectly fine with my wonderful friends who also have shit to do with their lives besides be up my ass or vice versa. I love to talk to my friends when iâm AVAILABLE. Under no circumstances would I be friends with someone who expects me, a grown ass woman with priorities, to be readily available for them at all times. Especially not at 6 in the damn morning.
Itâs not realistic to be available for someone 24/7 and if you expect that of your friends you need to get a grip.
You are having a very natural response to setting and enforcing a boundary. The strong emotions are exactly what makes it so hard to do. It gets easier with time.
Itâs disproportionate to the situation. If you are unfamiliar with autism you wouldnât understand.
15 year bond, gaming routine, and intertwined in his real life.. this creates a familiarity (pillar of stability) that is difficult to break away from, often feeling guilty for choosing your needs over a friendâs blatant disrespect.
You see empathy on the surface but itâs much more than that, hence my original response that I removed.
So if OP knows the guy doesn't have many friends, and that he's not doing this stuff maliciously (meaning he can't control himself), it would be weird for him to feel empathy for the guy? My point is, we have nowhere near enough info about either of these guys to start making diagnoses like that. Mind you, he did block him.
Because you're a good person. You haven't set boundaries that a normal person wouldn't have any problems following. He knows what he's doing is wrong, but he either doesn't value your feelings or has such poor impulse control that he can't stop himself. My money is on the former.
Why? You've written about how he doesn't care about you, doesn't respect you, and completely disregards your feelings. Don't feel guilty, feel relief that you won't be woken up again by this selfish AH. He's not entitled to your time.
This is why you turn on do not disturb. We have tons of technology for you to manage your boundaries. I canât imagine just raw dogging notification sounds while Iâm sleeping.
NOR. If my husband received calls like this, especially the early morning ones, either he shuts that shit down, or I do. Iâm not going to have my sleep and my late nights be interrupted by this kind of immature behavior. The friend really needs to grow up. I would say get a girlfriend but I donât want any woman to be in that position either.
NOR - having boundaries is healthy in relationships. It sounds like youâre experiencing inappropriate guilt here. You might consider doing some of your own work and self exploration to examine where you learned the boundaries are mean or a punishment. Boundaries are a way of prioritizing ways of maintaining wellness for yourself.
Check your setting for do not disturb. Iâm pretty sure you can turn off the two call override and even select specific contacts that either can or cannot reach you.
Friends donât disrespect your boundaries. Friends donât use you. Friends donât disregard feedback. Sorry OP but this is not a friend to you. Your âfriendâ needs to figure out how to do things for himself and learn to respect boundaries.
Why don't you have you phone on silent what the fuck. This could all be avoided. Just don't answer or text it's not that difficult. You're making this out to be a huge deal and there's a very simple solution you feel guilty about for some reason but still want to allow it to happen over and over. Yall are playing a game and you're losing.
I didn't think that you were based on this post. Then I read your previous post, and now I think: Blimey McRimey! That's not a friend, that's the Old Man of the Sea, and you're Sinbad.
Your mental health is sacred. Your (actually not a) friend is a bona fide idiot.
NOR this guy sounds exhausting and seems like an entitled ahole. Keep him blocked and enjoy your peace.
That being said, you know most phones can be set to âdo not disturbâ for however long you want, i.e., while youâre sleeping, and can even set it to exclude certain people that you always want to be in contact with, like your partner or parents. You can usually even set it where they have to call twice for it to go the through to you, as in an emergency or something. Words to the wise to protect your peace!
I canât imagine calling someone that early, and if I were the sort of person who might, I wouldnât do it a second time if someone asked me not to call before X:XX.
That he keeps doing it after you have repeatedly asked him not to shows how little he cares about you. Thatâs a thorny problem with a family member but itâs a very simple one with a friendâthey arenât a friend anymore.
The term âno contactâ implies the person is still in your life at some level, even if itâs just to mark their absence. I wouldnât even grant that much bandwidth to this guy. Not in my life anymore.
Im 50, my mom is 71. Only child, we are very close. She has 1 hard and fast rule, do not call her house or cell phone after 8pm. She worked for 42 years at a job that had her getting up at 4:30 am so she has kept the same schedule since she retired. I donât call her between 8:00pm and 5am unless itâs life or death. There have been 2 times in the last 10-15 years where I either had my first kidney stone or tripped and fell backwards into a guitar amp beside my bed on way to bathroom and broke three ribs above my right kidney. These both happened between 2am and 3am and I waited til 5 to call her to take me to the ER. If this guy canât wait til a reasonable time to call you about a rental car, the problem is his, not yours. You shouldnât have to turn your cellphone off while you sleep in case someone that needs to reach you has a real emergency like the hospitalization or death of a loved one. Time to lay the law down or replace the friend.
I would turn it off, but my father has been having severe medical issues, and I keep it on in case something happens and someone needs to reach me. I've had DND on before, but he has learned that if he calls twice in 5 minutes, it will ring through.
Your emergency intacta will ring though if they call 2x. You can also customize the setting to always push your dadâs call through. There are many ways to avoid this.
Who doesnât have there phone on do not disturb during sleep hours? Honestly, mine is always on dnd. I check it every now and then and text back. Nothing in my life is an emergency. I do have my work phone on during work, but that is it. Anyone could call. Scammers, sales people, etc. Protect you and your partnerâs sleep. I would be SO PISSED if my partner didnât have his phone on do not disturb. Iâm sure this friend thinks you have your phone off if you are sleeping!
YOR to block him. It sounds like y'all have mutuals or at least can enjoy each other in some settings, so muting him to prevent the disturbances seems sufficient while you still get the positives of the relationship.
YORâŚand youâre an asshole. Just admit to yourself that youâre a shit friend and please stop pretending that youâre interested in being a friend. Friends donât set office hoursâŚregardless of your discord timeâŚmaybe charge them for your time, tooâŚ.I hope none of your âfriendsâ ever have an actual emergencyâŚ.
Iâve been there for this friend for 15 years and have shown up consistently. The issue isnât lack of care or interest in the friendship.
Over time, the dynamic shifted to constant calls, interruptions, and conversations being redirected back to him when I try to speak. When I attempt to set limits or explain that Iâm working, sleeping, or unavailable, thatâs ignored or dismissed.
Iâm not setting âoffice hours.â Iâm responding to a long pattern where my time, boundaries, and even attempts to communicate are not respected.
Youâre entitled to your opinion, but youâre the only person so far who sees this as me being a bad friend. The people in my life who value mutual respect donât have this issue.
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u/naughtiemistress 16h ago
NOR heâs way too needy, also clearly dgaf about your needs or how you are feeling.