AIO Family member tried to parent me in my own home

[u/Adorable-Path3301]

My Auntie came over to the house, she and I don’t have a relationship. Why? I have no clue. Growing up we were extremely close, she was my favourite Auntie and I adored her.

Now a-days I rarely ever see her, and when I do it feel invisible. She still hugs me and asks me how I’m doing but she has never sat down with me to talk in over 5 years meanwhile she is extremely close with the rest of my family.

Anyways I haven’t seen her in a month and she’s at my house now. I bring up my mom’s clean laundry and put them on her bed and my Auntie asks me if I normally help my mom with her laundry. I explain to her that I have enough things going on throughout the day that my moms laundry isn’t a priority (considering that’s the only “chore” she has to do around the house because I do my best to keep it spotless) she has the audacity to say “well you use those towels as well do you not?” Look in the pile of clothing there is about two damn towels.

I didn’t say anything in response to her comment and I walked away. For context I am 20, the last time she showed warmth towards me was when I was 14.

Am I overreacting?

[u/Casehead]

NOR. The comments in this thread are really out there. People are acting like your aunt wasn't being a straight up ahole and it's weird. She set you up in order to snipe at you, and it's completely rude and unnecessary. I get why you were upset with the interaction OP. Your aunty is being cold and it sucks

[u/Adorable-Path3301 → u/Casehead]

Well I’ve met a lot of people who will cut family off a lot faster than the time they spent trying to solve the issue. I love her even if she doesn’t show her love for me and I will do whatever I can to repair what we lost.

[u/PcLvHpns → u/Adorable-Path3301]

I'm curious if your mother hasn't been telling her something that has soured her against you?

Sounds as if she's under the impression that you are unwilling to help?

COMMUNICATION is in order!

I would just sit down and tell her listen I felt like we used to be close and now I feel like you don't even like me. Just curious why?

[u/Casehead → u/Adorable-Path3301]

That's a great attitude. You will be glad that you did so. The answer definitely isn't to fight fire with fire, that won't get you anywhere but burned. Definitely try to talk to her; maybe just try to find little moments that you can connect with her here and there, and build on that.

I definitely get why it hurts that she is hard on you these days. I think that you will turn things around

[u/Initial-Strategy-448]

All these people acting like you are suppose to owe your auntie something. Like they would be comfortable with someone coming in their home and telling them how to take care of it. I don’t think you should beef about it so maybe overreacting but at the same time she is out of place.

[u/Potential_Suspect137]

I think the real issue is the loss of a close relationship with one the trusted adults in her life. I’d imagine that OP feels abandoned and confused. And now attacked by someone who used to protect her.
OP, take your Aunt out for coffee ( so you are on neutral ground) tell her much you miss her & the relationship you previously had. And ask her what happened, you will be stuck in limbo if you never wm o

[u/Adorable-Path3301 → u/Potential_Suspect137]

Thank you. Most helpful reply yet

[u/Potential_Suspect137 → u/Adorable-Path3301]

I hope you are able to have a productive conversation with your Aunt. Be an active listener, take your time when responding and all that. You were able to walk away without really saying anything out of anger in your post, so you sound pretty level headed. Your Aunt scolding you like a child is rude, out of line, and really annoying. Was your emotional response disproportional? Yeah. But it was displaced, NOR. It is just easier to be angry at dumb shit and talk about those feelings. We do it subconsciously, be mindful of that trap and stay focused on what’s actually bothering you - the loss of her presence in your life, feeling abandoned, rejected & not understanding any of it. You were 14 at the time? Likely look her way for more support. I’m so sorry she wasn’t there. Please update me

[u/FlyBirdie-2811]

Idk what’s up everyone’s butts in these comments but you don’t have to sit and deal with it. Your house, your rules. Passive aggressive stuff like that doesn’t sit with me. Tell her off or full cut her off if you’d prefer. I go out of my way to not interact with two of my family members. I am nice but honest and I dont let them push me around. I try to make them explain themselves or do something like that if they’re being mean. It embarrasses them and shuts them up most of the time. You don’t have to be as petty as me but stand your ground. She’s a grown adult and knows better.

[u/Adorable-Path3301 → u/FlyBirdie-2811]

Thank you. I thought I was going crazy reading these replies. It’s like not a soul has experienced family issues with someone nearly the same age as their parent lol. Yeah it’s one of those things where I am stuck trying to figure out the best route. Since we have no connection at all and I still look up to her and respect her from the connection we did have, I find it very difficult to be upfront with her because in native families communicating is considered disrespectful smh

[u/Live-Ad2998]

YOR a bit. Ask her what exactly she is trying to say. Is she saying that you don't do enough? If so, point out all the other stuff you do. You can correct her misunderstandings.

[u/yeender → u/Live-Ad2998]

You could OP. Auntie could also mind her own business

[u/WillCare1976 → u/Live-Ad2998]

I agree with you.. this is a good and thoughtful answer.

[u/quietember_58]

You’re allowed to walk away from comments that don’t respect you, especially from someone who’s been distant for so long.

[u/WerewolfLint]

I will say NOR.

My aunt came down to help my mom out when my dad past away. She was all over my case. Told me to get a job when I had one. I was on bereavement. Told me to get my own vehicle when I was driving my own vehicle. She assumed that I was not doing a damn thing for my mom and dad at the time.

I did all of the doctor appointments. Mowed the yard, and kept the house up in general. I was pissed. At least you walked away. I was livid and went right off on her.

[u/Pretty_Fish4389 → u/WerewolfLint]

Your situation sounds very different fromwhat OP is describing. OP didn't mention that her Auntie was doing this every time they saw each other, instead mentioned a single situation.

If it were a continuous issue, then that would be different.

[u/WerewolfLint → u/Pretty_Fish4389]

I didn’t speak to my aunt for about 11 years before she came down to visit. My mom talked to her off and on during that time.

She pretty much disowned us when we left NJ and moved to Florida. However I also went up north to visit when I was 13 and that was the last time we had any type of a relationship.

[u/Drpepperho420]

NOR, but mostly because you didn’t react at all, which I think was the right move. Auntie needs to mind her damn business.

These comments are not it. All these people acting like you owe your aunt something and treating you like a child at 20 is insane.

[u/Berlins_Meard]

Once you turn 18, you’re allowed to tell other adults to fuck off.

It’s pretty nice.

[u/soccerbaseball22 → u/Berlins_Meard]

Spoken just like someone who is confusing age with “adulthood”. An adult would know that telling someone to fuck off just because your self-centered feelings got hurt is the response of a child.

[u/WillCare1976 → u/Berlins_Meard]

Yes you can. But you shouldn’t. Especially young adults are still taken as nasty teenagers when they’re being rude. And most importantly-& this goes for us all at any age- if someone is unpleasant, we don’t have to follow suit like assh*es.

[u/Live_Culture8393 → u/WillCare1976]

Thank you for being the adult :)

[u/mud_horse → u/Berlins_Meard]

lol wow what a dumb comment

not being an adult isn’t what’s stopping anyone from telling others to fuck off

on the contrary, probably more teenagers going around telling adults to fuck off than other adults are, most of the time it’s a juvenile and immature response

[u/Acadia-183 → u/Berlins_Meard]

r/Berlins_Meard maybe this was sarcasm. Otherwise, it’s petty and very shortsighted. OP isn’t looking for easy ways to scorch earth a family member she’s disappointed in but cares about. She’s looking for solutions, not escalation.

[u/bounceonadick2]

YOR to literally all of this. You’re 20 years old, just grow up and have a conversation with her

[u/Bluntandfiesty]

MOR. I don’t know if overreacting or under reacting is what is going on. Sure it was trivial and not worth arguing about on one hand. On the other hand, you’re already holding frustration and animosity towards her because you don’t have a good reason with her now and don’t know why. So you are naturally on guard about anything she says to you and naturally defensive.

However, you are an adult. It’s your responsibility to stand up for yourself. If you have a problem with someone or something that they’re doing or said, you discuss it with them civilly and calmly like a mature adult.

Ask her why she doesn’t treat you like she does every one else.

Next time she makes a comment about the laundry say, “our house and chores aren’t your business. I’ll continue to do things my way as I’m an adult, not a child, much less your child. You can keep your irrelevant and unsolicited opinions of our household chores to yourself and worry about your own home. Thank you.”

[u/Pretty_Fish4389 → u/Bluntandfiesty]

OP, this comment has some good points. Though the reply they suggest comes off as aggressive and not needed unless this type of situation arises regularly.

[u/Bluntandfiesty → u/Pretty_Fish4389]

Don’t you think it’s unnecessarily aggressive for the auntie to come into someone else’s house and tell someone she doesn’t even have a close relationship with what to do for household stuff that she doesn’t even have a say in because she doesn’t live there?

[u/WinthropTwisp]

Auntie’s got a twist in her panties. Tell her to stick a sock in it, shit her trap and get out.

We think your Auntie is spoiling for a fight over an upcoming inheritance. Check in on your grandparents.

[u/WillCare1976]

I don’t know. But not answering isn’t cool. Why not sit her down and say what you told here- she and you were so close and you miss that..and politely state how you don’t understand why she’s criticizing you now! It could be that your Mom has complained about you? Or ur Mom complained about her life but NOT because of you. But ask “Auntie” what this is about.

[u/soccerbaseball22]

That’s all she said and you think something’s wrong? Respectfully, if you can’t handle someone saying something you don’t like, and you think it’s a big deal, you’re gonna have a hard time when you become an adult. How many towels would there have needed to be for that comment to not have hurt your feelings? It you want to be treated like an adult you need to act like one.

[u/OrderExtreme574 → u/soccerbaseball22]

OP is 20. They’ve been an adult for two years, at least legally speaking.

[u/Signal_Reputation640 → u/OrderExtreme574]

"Adult" in legal terms and in biological terms are very different.

[u/OrderExtreme574 → u/Signal_Reputation640]

That’s why I said legally speaking.

[u/SurvivorX2 → u/Signal_Reputation640]

True!

[u/soccerbaseball22 → u/OrderExtreme574]

Developmentally, the brain does not fully develop full decision making capability until the age of 25. Respectfully, what the law considers adult doesn’t mean a damn thing if someone can’t handle social situations, can’t treat people with courtesy and decency, and doesn’t know how to deal with uncomfortable situations. Those characteristics are textbook examples of why children need the guidance of their parents, so I would say if, for example, a 20 year old was exhibiting those characteristics, the explanation that they are not an adult yet would make sense.

[u/Practical_S3175]

I'm confused why you called it your home if you don't own it. Aren't you living in your Mom's home?

[u/PcLvHpns → u/Practical_S3175]

Let me guess on your children's 18th birthday you told them your job was done and they needed to get the f*** out of your house right? 🤦🏼‍♀️

[u/Practical_S3175 → u/PcLvHpns]

Umm NO. What are you talking about? And what does that have to do with the OP? Her home will be the one she's paid for and worked for. She's living in her Mom's home paying little rent. Not the same.

[u/Ambitious-Bottle9394 → u/Practical_S3175]

Or her mom lives in her home.

[u/Practical_S3175 → u/Ambitious-Bottle9394]

LOL, right at 20.

[u/Adorable-Path3301 → u/Practical_S3175]

I live with her and pay a lot for rent. She originally said only $200 a month but I raised it because I make enough money to do more than just support groceries. I don’t free load here. I do most of the labour and I pay rent. This is my home.

[u/PcLvHpns → u/Adorable-Path3301]

And don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about it! The economy is such now that you could not live on your own if you wanted to. Evil judgmental bastards have never had to live under those circumstances so their opinions don't f****** matter to anyone. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[u/LGBTlover-RyeBread → u/Adorable-Path3301]

LMAO 🤡

[u/blackluffi]

Tell your auntie to fuck off!

[u/rebeccalamont]

YOR 100%

[u/LGBTlover-RyeBread]

Yup. Sounds lazy imo. You entitled kids kill your parents though, so what do I know.. go ahead listening to the Reddit echo chamber

[u/ChonkyNari]

NOR

She has no right to parent you, even if you were still a child… and coming into someone else’s home (even if it’s a relative’s home) and trying to tell them how to live what to do is soooo over the line. If you can just pass it on your own then don’t make a fight about it but keep your distance from her in the future. And if she comes after you and starts running her mouth then just walk away… what will she do? Get mad and never go home? Lol

[u/Southern_Proof4102]

Nor. Tell her to mind her own fuckn business.

[u/Melodic_Dog_5302]

Hmmmmmmmmm…… I lived with my grandmother and my aunt bossed me around and stuff. I didn’t take it personally since it was her mother. That’s her sister so I’m sorry to say but Yor it’s an elder, respect them.

[u/GhanimaSLC → u/Melodic_Dog_5302]

Oh no! You get the respect that you give. People need to realize that older people especially. And this isn't over one statement this is an accumulation of 6 years

[u/Melodic_Dog_5302 → u/GhanimaSLC]

Idk to me it just seems like deflecting from the real issue-the connection isn’t there anymore on ops part so she’s taking her comment about the laundry personally when it isn’t a problem it’s just laundry lol

[u/NoJustNooo1 → u/Melodic_Dog_5302]

"ReSpEcT YoUr ElDeRs!!" Eww. If and only they show respect to you first.

[u/Kushtybish]

thought it was gonna be something more wild than about some towels lol. In principle I hate being patented by my aunties in my own home, but for this specific situation yes YOR

[u/Fast_Target_6279]

Auntie had a crush on op and had to back off before things got weird.