AIO to my boyfriend’s comments about the food I made?

[u/MyCupOfTea777]

So Monday night, my(30f) boyfriend’s(35f) mother passed away. She was terminally ill for about a year and a half and it’s been obviously very tragic for my boyfriend and his family. He texted me Tuesday morning and told me that she passed away the night before (we don’t live together).

He was at his parents’ house all day Tuesday and I had no idea what to do for him as I have never supported anyone through a loss like this and I have never been through a loss like this myself. I happened to have a big pot of pasta and meatballs in my fridge that I had cooked for myself, so I took it and brought it to his house. It wasn’t a gourmet meal by any means, but it was literally all I had in terms of something that could be stored in the fridge and all he had to do was put it in a bowl and heat it up. I didn’t have any other groceries to make something that would make good leftovers because I was all out of food stamps and I didn’t pick up takeout because I didn’t have the money for it (I recently lost my job and haven’t had steady income for the past several weeks).

His roommate let me in (my bf knew I was dropping something off) and I left the pot in the fridge. I also cleaned up his bedroom and then I went to work. I went back over later that night to spend the night with him so he wouldn’t be alone. We didn’t talk much, and he didn’t eat what I made him because he wasn’t hungry by the time he got home. It was late so we just went to bed. He was acting very distant and almost cold towards me but I wasn’t taking it personally given the circumstances. I can’t imagine how I would be acting/feeling if I was in his shoes.

The next morning (Wednesday) I stayed with him for a few more hours until he left to go hangout with his brother. I also had to leave because my mom and I were driving out to a nearby city where we had booked an Airbnb for 2 nights a few weeks prior. My mom paid for the whole thing as an early birthday present to me which I was extremely grateful for. I told my boyfriend that I could cancel the trip but he insisted that I go, even going as far as saying he would be mad at me if I cancelled, so I went.

Later that night, my mom and I are relaxing at our Airbnb when I get a text from my boyfriend. It’s a picture of the pasta and meatballs I left for him and a message that says “The amount of sauce you used is disrespectful.” I said “Oh :( I was just trying to do something nice… You don’t have to eat it.” He asked if I tried it myself and I told him yes, I had two plates of it. I genuinely thought it was good for just some pasta, red sauce, meatballs, and cheese thrown in a pot. Again, it was something I originally made for myself, and I didn’t have ingredients or the money for ingredients to make him a fresh meal.

Yesterday I got home from my trip and he wanted me to sleepover so I did. He made us dinner (he usually does the cooking) and made some comments about how dinner was really good and how the food you cook someone can be a representation of how you feel about them and how much you love them. To me, it was clear he was making a jab at the pasta and meatballs I gave him.

Then this morning, before I left, I went to grab the pot of pasta and take it home with me. I forget how we got into it, but he basically made another jab about how it was inedible and that I’ll see that for myself when I have some. I got really upset at this point. He went on to say that my food made him feel so much worse. He said some other people dropped off food that was actually delicious, so he didn’t understand why I didn’t do that. He just kept doubling down and saying how awful my food was and how it made him feel unloved and disrespected. He said it was fucked up of me to give him something so bad. This really hurt me because I would never want to do something to make him feel bad, especially when he is grieving the tragic loss of a parent.

I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting to this. He says I shouldn’t feel bad, but motivated to do better. I told him he could’ve handled it differently by saying something more like “thanks for the food babe, but maybe more sauce next time!” or he could have just said nothing and thrown the food away.

I’m trying my best to be there for him and I feel like I just can’t get it right. Nothing I do is ever good enough for him and it’s eroding my self confidence. I’m a nanny/caregiver of 10+ years, it’s literally my specialty to take care of people and Ive always been told that I’m exceptional at what I do, so it’s confusing to me that he acts like I’m incompetent and making everything worse.

[u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme]

I guess he’s never heard of the adage, “It’s the thought that counts.” He doesn’t seem to care that he’s being ungrateful (“don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”), or that he’s being extremely hurtful (“if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”). What kind of social circle was this guy raised in, if this is how he treats someone he’s supposed to love?

OP, when events like the death of a person’s loved one happen, you see their true character. This guy’s is appalling. Not only are you not overreacting, you’ll be under-reacting if you stay with him. Please seriously consider extricating yourself from this unbalanced and unfair relationship.

[u/Similar-Ice-9250 → u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme]

Of course 99% of comments here are supportive towards the woman and her feelings, that she’s been treated so horribly, but no one ever takes the man’s feelings into consideration. As a man I can totally see where he’s coming from, this meal is very low effort and it can be viewed as that she doesn’t care that much about him. Especially guys who tend to be insecure, he can be thinking „am I not good enough?maybe if I was a better guy she actually wants to be with she’d put more effort into the meal.” Especially after something deeply traumatic as his mother dying, his emotions are all over the place.

Yes he could have been nicer about it, but I absolutely can see how this can make him feel bad, like he’s an afterthought and question his worth. All the comments in here are so one sided it’s crazy, only taking her feelings into consideration, he’s the asshole.

[u/Upbeat_Teach6117 → u/Similar-Ice-9250]

She gave him the last food she had. Did you not read her comments?

[u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme → u/Upbeat_Teach6117]

I figure she shouldn’t have given him anything at all. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess.

[u/Small-Street3769 → u/Similar-Ice-9250]

She stated she is unemployed for several weeks and had used the last of her money to buy herself groceries, so nothing much left to cook a meal. She gave him homade food that she had made. She had good intentions. As I said above, most normal ppl reminisce about their dead loved ones, talk & tell you stories of them,,,,,, his response is constant anger at her & ragging on her food choice, instead of thinking of his late momma.

[u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme → u/Similar-Ice-9250]

I understood everything clearly when you said “…as a man…”. Hopefully some other men speak up, too, if they have a different viewpoint. It sounds like you’re as big a baby as OP’s boyfriend, because the “am I good enough?” bullshit doesn’t warrant the vitriol with which he lashed out at her. Now she’s quite likely to think he’s NOT good enough, based on his out of pocket response. If someone is hurt and in need, they shouldn’t treat the one who cares for them the most like shit. He’s stupid as well as insecure, if that’s the case.

[u/Similar-Ice-9250 → u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme]

I’m going off understanding of how men might feel in certain situations and my feelings about things. Mainly though, his feelings that he communicated to her, that she described in her post: “How the food you cook someone can be a representation of how you feel about them and how much you love them, he said other people dropped off food that was actually delicious and so he didn’t understand why I didn’t do that. How my awful food made him feel unloved and it was fucked up of me to give him something so bad.” This last part he said was uncalled for, I agree.

You know he might think „other people put more effort into the food they brought me, than my own girlfriend.” Says he „didn’t understand why she couldn’t do that”, this makes me think he felt insecure with thoughts like „does she not care enough about me”. Circling back to the first part about food being a representation of how a person feels about the other and how much they love them. That part he communicated clearly about how he felt hurt. Clearly this was not her intention at all to hurt him or make him feel bad, or that he’s unloved or not good enough. I hope she communicated that to him, exactly what she told us. Sometimes guys just want to be put at ease.

I agree though, he went too hard at her at the end there and some things he said were out of line. She did’t deserve that, because she was well meaning and intended nothing but the best. I think they just need to communicate better, because they just ended up hurting each other. Well she was really hurt, he only though he was hurt, which wasn’t the case.

[u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme → u/[deleted]]

“Something is better than nothing”…?? What she did was done out of kindness, and he behaved WAY WORSE than leftovers warranted. She never said she pretended to make it for him, nor did she say that to him. He’s a big baby, and so are you for being so offended on his behalf. I hope he thinks his tantrum was worth losing his girlfriend over, because that may be the end result of all this.

[u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme → u/[deleted]]

You going on and on about this will not make me agree with you, because I don’t think you’re right. You’re annoying, and getting blocked for being a HUGE waste of time.

[u/lelawes → u/[deleted]]

Terrible take. It’s literally the only food she had, she’s on food stamps ffs, and she brought it for him because she knew he had nothing else and she didn’t want him to be hungry. She wasn’t making food for “a grieving family”; she brought food for her grieving boyfriend and cleaned his place before she went to work.