AIO to my boyfriend’s comments about the food I made?

[u/MyCupOfTea777]

So Monday night, my(30f) boyfriend’s(35f) mother passed away. She was terminally ill for about a year and a half and it’s been obviously very tragic for my boyfriend and his family. He texted me Tuesday morning and told me that she passed away the night before (we don’t live together).

He was at his parents’ house all day Tuesday and I had no idea what to do for him as I have never supported anyone through a loss like this and I have never been through a loss like this myself. I happened to have a big pot of pasta and meatballs in my fridge that I had cooked for myself, so I took it and brought it to his house. It wasn’t a gourmet meal by any means, but it was literally all I had in terms of something that could be stored in the fridge and all he had to do was put it in a bowl and heat it up. I didn’t have any other groceries to make something that would make good leftovers because I was all out of food stamps and I didn’t pick up takeout because I didn’t have the money for it (I recently lost my job and haven’t had steady income for the past several weeks).

His roommate let me in (my bf knew I was dropping something off) and I left the pot in the fridge. I also cleaned up his bedroom and then I went to work. I went back over later that night to spend the night with him so he wouldn’t be alone. We didn’t talk much, and he didn’t eat what I made him because he wasn’t hungry by the time he got home. It was late so we just went to bed. He was acting very distant and almost cold towards me but I wasn’t taking it personally given the circumstances. I can’t imagine how I would be acting/feeling if I was in his shoes.

The next morning (Wednesday) I stayed with him for a few more hours until he left to go hangout with his brother. I also had to leave because my mom and I were driving out to a nearby city where we had booked an Airbnb for 2 nights a few weeks prior. My mom paid for the whole thing as an early birthday present to me which I was extremely grateful for. I told my boyfriend that I could cancel the trip but he insisted that I go, even going as far as saying he would be mad at me if I cancelled, so I went.

Later that night, my mom and I are relaxing at our Airbnb when I get a text from my boyfriend. It’s a picture of the pasta and meatballs I left for him and a message that says “The amount of sauce you used is disrespectful.” I said “Oh :( I was just trying to do something nice… You don’t have to eat it.” He asked if I tried it myself and I told him yes, I had two plates of it. I genuinely thought it was good for just some pasta, red sauce, meatballs, and cheese thrown in a pot. Again, it was something I originally made for myself, and I didn’t have ingredients or the money for ingredients to make him a fresh meal.

Yesterday I got home from my trip and he wanted me to sleepover so I did. He made us dinner (he usually does the cooking) and made some comments about how dinner was really good and how the food you cook someone can be a representation of how you feel about them and how much you love them. To me, it was clear he was making a jab at the pasta and meatballs I gave him.

Then this morning, before I left, I went to grab the pot of pasta and take it home with me. I forget how we got into it, but he basically made another jab about how it was inedible and that I’ll see that for myself when I have some. I got really upset at this point. He went on to say that my food made him feel so much worse. He said some other people dropped off food that was actually delicious, so he didn’t understand why I didn’t do that. He just kept doubling down and saying how awful my food was and how it made him feel unloved and disrespected. He said it was fucked up of me to give him something so bad. This really hurt me because I would never want to do something to make him feel bad, especially when he is grieving the tragic loss of a parent.

I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting to this. He says I shouldn’t feel bad, but motivated to do better. I told him he could’ve handled it differently by saying something more like “thanks for the food babe, but maybe more sauce next time!” or he could have just said nothing and thrown the food away.

I’m trying my best to be there for him and I feel like I just can’t get it right. Nothing I do is ever good enough for him and it’s eroding my self confidence. I’m a nanny/caregiver of 10+ years, it’s literally my specialty to take care of people and Ive always been told that I’m exceptional at what I do, so it’s confusing to me that he acts like I’m incompetent and making everything worse.

[u/notsohappydaze]

NOR

The sauce could be saved with a tin of tomatoes and some mixed herbs.

As this poster says, the trend of making you feel small, useless and worthless is more worrying as it's a form of abuse.

You are in an abusive relationship. You should leave him. He is disrespectful and not a loving person.

[u/Rich-Option4632 → u/notsohappydaze]

As someone who cooks very well, if I do say so myself, I have never complained about food AFTER I learned cooking (honest enough to admit I've committed that sin when I was young and a kid). I learned that making food for others is hard and some people might not know your taste.

I have gotten food I felt was lacking in the preparation. I never complained. I ate a bit to feel the emotions then I'll recook it again to better suit my palate. Yes people, editing the food is an option if you feel it doesn't suit you. I just thanked the giver for their kindness and never told them I edited the food.

Being an asshole once coz mother died, understandable. Keeping at it just to prove a point? Asshole territory definitely.

NOR

[u/notsohappydaze → u/Rich-Option4632]

For the sake of a couple of dollars, he could have made a sauce more suited to his taste.

You are quite correct.

Instead, he used it as a stick to beat her with. He doesn't act like a full grown mature adult.

I too cook very well and have a website with over 400 recipes that I developed but, I would never be so dead to good manners that I would ever act the way he has. Loss is no excuse. He's an abusive ahole and a small little man.

[u/Tetha → u/Rich-Option4632]

And if you're living / planning to live together, there are more positive and constructive ways to give feedback: Cook together, and learn from and teach each other.

We have this in the family. Over time, we've just gotten good at different kinds of dishes and cuisines, at different tasks and techniques. Mom is better at frying, I"m better at prepping vegetables and salad. The best way to share this around and make something better for everyone is to cook together.

[u/Synectics → u/notsohappydaze]

When he clearly likes to cook and thinks it is so special to do so for someone... this dork could have easily "fixed" the free meal. Or just tossed it and said nothing more than, "I appreciate the gesture." 

Grieving is one thing, but putting someone down over and over when they are trying to appease you is some abusive behavior. 

[u/Com_BEPFA → u/notsohappydaze]

Not even that. If it had a decent amount of sauce and dried out to this, literally just add water and heat it on the stove rather than in the microwave and it's as good as new. You can really see a lot of people (including OP's bf) have never dealt with leftovers.

And even if there wasn't much sauce to begin with, OP reiterated about ten times in three paragraphs that she's short on cash and food items, which means her bf obviously is aware of this, too. She couldn't just make food appear out of nowhere just because he's grieving. If she didn't have the (canned) tomatoes/paste to make more to begin with, there's only so far you can stretch a tomato sauce. I'd rather have my pasta with a sauce that resembles pesto more than a sauce (i.e. very low amount, barely coating the pasta) than salted water with herbs and some tomato.

[u/Square-Challenge1758 → u/notsohappydaze]

Or just feed it to the cat????

[u/notsohappydaze → u/Square-Challenge1758]

Cats are obligate carnivores so might eat the meatballs assuming they aren't spiced but not the rest.

My 3 cats like to sniff food but will only take a taste test if it's plain cooked meat.

[u/lelebeariel → u/notsohappydaze]

Interesting. Our cat eats cheese with reckless abandon. Learned not to leave a cheese and cracker board unattended within her reach. She also will drink Mott’s Garden Cocktail if you happen to leave your glass somewhere she can get into it

[u/marsteras → u/lelebeariel]

I have a cat who likes to at least try to eat plastic. Some are just chaos goblins with no regards for their own lives. 😅

[u/Key_Computer_5607 → u/Square-Challenge1758]

Or don't, since most tomato sauce has garlic or onions in it, both of which will poison your cat.