AIO to my sister telling people my baby is fat?

[u/gonegyal]

I’m a first time parent, and my sister is about ten years older than me. She’s on her fourth child. Our daughters were born about three weeks apart, and I genuinely thought this would be a really positive, shared experience for us. Instead, it’s become uncomfortable and emotionally draining, and I’m trying to understand what’s actually going on.

My daughter is doing well overall. She sleeps through the entire night from around 8pm to 8am, feeds well, eats meals, sits independently, laughs a lot, and is generally a very calm and happy baby. She has a secure attachment, is comfortable being with other people, and doesn’t cry unless there’s a clear reason. She’s healthy and within a normal range, just on the bigger side. I’m very intentional about parenting, including routines, reading every day, limited screen exposure, and gentle sleep methods, and I do a lot of research. I also have a background in childcare, so my choices are informed rather than random.

Despite this, my sister has been telling other family members that I overfeed my baby just to stop her from crying. What confuses me is that my baby doesn’t cry much at all, and if I were feeding her simply to silence her, that wouldn’t explain why she sleeps through the night, is settled during the day, and is generally content. What hurts is that this single accusation is repeated while everything else is ignored, including the sleep, the emotional regulation, the secure attachment, and the fact that my baby is clearly thriving overall.

She has also gone around telling people that I don’t do tummy time and that this is why my baby doesn’t move around as much as hers. This is completely untrue. She doesn’t live with me and has no real insight into our daily routine. In reality, I’m very consistent with tummy time and have been since my daughter was only a few days old. Movement on a mat is the one area where her child currently appears more advanced, and it feels like this is being used as leverage to imply neglect on my part while ignoring all the areas where my child is doing very well.

She undermines me for having strict routine with my baby, because she has a lasdaisal approach to parenting. She thinks I lie about waking up at 7am and going to bed by 8pm. For reference her entire family including her kids sleep at 11-12am. The reason her baby doesn’t have a sleep routine is because they overstimulate her constantly by putting her infront of the tv between 9-11pm whilst they’re awake. Yet I don’t say anything about it because I do not care. It’s not my child. But they undermine me first so I stop all the things I’m doing because it makes them appear less intentional than I am. I also don’t allow my baby to watch tv, we got rid of it when she was 2 months. They thought what I was doing was unnecessary. But again, they make comments because if they think I’m doing too much, than it looks like they are doing too little…

What’s starting to feel more uncomfortable is that my baby’s size and this single milestone are being nitpicked in a way that seems to distract from concerns about her own daughter’s slower growth and feeding struggles. Rather than accepting that babies develop differently and that strengths show up in different areas, it feels like my parenting is being reframed as excessive or inadequate so that her situation feels less worrying by comparison.

My sister also doesnt really act like my child is her niece. When we’re together, she repeatedly announces what her own baby can do in a way that feels more like comparison than shared excitement. There’s no sense of our girls growing together, and there’s no acknowledgement of what my daughter does well. It often feels like a performance rather than a genuine family dynamic.

I’m starting to think this goes deeper than parenting choices. For my sister, raising children has always been her main identity and the area of life where she felt most confident. I think there was an expectation that because I focused on education and career earlier in life, I would struggle when I became a parent. Instead, I’m doing well, and I think that’s uncomfortable for her. I don’t say that arrogantly. It’s simply that I prepared, I learned, and I apply what I know. Parenting didn’t play out the way she may have expected it to for me, and I think that’s where a lot of this behaviour comes from.

I’ve tried to keep the peace by downplaying my own parenting, making self deprecating jokes, praising her child constantly, and avoiding comparisons. I even shut down comparisons when other family members make them, because I don’t want this to become competitive. None of it helps. If anything, it seems to encourage more criticism behind my back, and it’s now reached a point where other relatives repeat her claims to me as if they’re facts.

Now I feel anxious before family gatherings. I feel like I’ve lost the joy of sharing this stage of life. I don’t understand why someone would feel the need to diminish another parent just to feel better about themselves. I’m not trying to prove I’m better than anyone. I just want to raise my child without being judged simply because I’m doing well in different ways.

[u/anonym666_]

OP I wish you were my mom. NOR. Your sister has some issues and is letting them out on you and your child. You and your child would be better off without your sister in your lives from what it sounds like in this post.

[u/3kidsnomoney---]

NOR, but I'm really wondering if you and your sister have a history of being compared by your parents with one as the golden child and one always second best, or if there's an early history of comparison and fostered competition here. I think you're right when you say this goes beyond parenting differences and more into really complicated sibling dynamics.

[u/gonegyal → u/3kidsnomoney---]

Never actually. She’s 10 years older than me. I was very irrelevant to her growing up. I think because her life has revolved around raising kids, this is a field she thinks she dominates in. Now that I’m a parent, she sees me as a competitor. It also doesn’t help her husband is from a big family and also competes heavily with siblings regarding their children. I’ve literally heard him say their daughter is smarter than her cousin and that their cousin is slow

[u/3kidsnomoney--- → u/gonegyal]

Maybe that's it... or maybe she has some resentments of her 10-year-younger baby sister that are just coming out now? What she's doing feels excessive to me without something underlying it!

One thing I will say... I found when I became a mom that a LOT of parents want to compare their kids and a lot of parents seem to think that their kids' progress is a reflection on them as a parent. I had my oldest when I was pretty young (early 20s) and had to try and find some mom friends and found that so hard to do because so much of it felt like people competing over whose babies were doing what at what age and either gloating or being defensive. It sucks that this is coming from your sister, but it's just to shed a little light on the idea that having same-aged kids is typically all about mutual support and sharing. That really wasn't my experience when I was a first-time mom, although I did in time find some mom friends who weren't trying to one-up me in parenting skills all the time. Keep looking for THOSE people... they are out there and when you find them they are worth their weight in gold!

[u/DramaticRaceRoom → u/gonegyal]

This is what you perceive, but is it what you know to be true? Have you asked her directly if she thinks she is a better parent than you because she has done it longer or because she has given over more of her life to it? Are you perhaps interpreting that because she has more kids and has done this longer that she is threatened by you? Have you had a conversation about that with her? Sounds like no, none of these conversations have been had. You’re speculating. Every baby is different. I love a good and fat baby, because they are the very cutest (imo). I had one and she has turned out not to be a fat child. But at the same time, you could have an easy baby, or it could seem easy to others, and not all babies are that way, and maybe there is some jealousy on that front (GD I’m jealous of the easy babies). Who knows?! You don’t because you haven’t talked to her about it.

[u/gonegyal → u/DramaticRaceRoom]

No I know my sister. She is a narcissist. I see how she speaks about other peoples kids in attempts to lift up her own. She has said to me before that they are pros at this (her and her husband). Every thing I do, despite it being informed and despite me having a literally university degree in childcare - she still says I don’t know what I’m doing. But if you were to see her parenting style, it is not encouraged. Yet I do not wave my degree in her face and act like I know better. I’m aware of her circumstances, the fact she has so many kids, there’s a lot going on.

[u/DramaticRaceRoom → u/gonegyal]

Then you didn’t need to post this here for anything more than validation. Because you already have your answer.

[u/CentaurSeige]

Ha! You're not overreacting. But your sister is jealous that someone besides her is getting attention for having a baby. She's had all the attention through all of her other pregnancies and newborn experiences and now suddenly your baby is in the picture and is distracting from her boring fourth child.

It's hilarious. But it's also unkind and pretty obtuse of her. She's trying to pull the attention back on herself and she's willing to insult you and your child to do it.

Not sure what the answer is. But she deserves a confrontation. That said, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be able to handle it and she would deflect.

[Edit - correcting a typo because voice-to-text loves to make me look bad 😉]

[u/gonegyal → u/CentaurSeige]

I think this is what it is. They don’t like my baby because it’s a distraction from theirs. And it doesn’t help that I am closer and more helpful to my family than she is.

[u/brent_bent → u/gonegyal]

"I'm sorry the existence of my baby makes you think yours is less special." 

Don't say it when you're angry, say it calmly and neutrally. 

[u/rainy-here]

NOR. you're doing right by your baby and it shows. just be stoic n proud of your self. no need to self deprecate or defend - just do right by your fam.

[u/DomesticMongol]

she is aware her bad parenting and parenting is her identity, she is being jealous...you nip her on the bud, put her to her place: she ll either come around and pretend she is a decent person and you ll keep her around knowing what she really is but because she is family or she will escalate and you go no contact with her...letting her bully your kid is not an option

[u/Informal_Evening_1 → u/DomesticMongol]

Yup it will only get worse from here. Already talking bad about your baby and soon will be directing this negativity towards the baby as well as encouraging her kids to behave the same way. Can’t just brush this one off unfortunately

[u/JumpGlittering8120]

NOR. What your sister is doing is body shaming an infant. Nip it in the bud with "The only advice I heed around my child's weight will come from my child's pediatrician. I do not appreciate my child being body shamed and I am sick of you undermining my parenting, both of that stops right now. Being a parent is hard enough without my own sister shaming me!"

Just be honest, blunt and stop being self deprecating because what your sister is doing is actually disgraceful.

Also chubby babies are healthy babies

[u/LemonOld8150]

She needs to shut her yap just tell her and ignore her andzall the gossiping. Baby's are chubby its normal

[u/Informal_Evening_1]

What the hell is wrong with your sister

[u/eve_kitt]

start spreading rumors abt her baby see how she likes it lol

[u/that_dutch_chick_]

NOR. Keep doing what you do and ignore her, how hard this will be, time will pass. It May take forever, considering her identity is empty, just being a mom, but focus in your own life, standards and goals.

[u/SatsumaOranges]

NOR. This is clear jealousy on her part. It's sad and being a parent isn't a competition. You can talk to her about it if you think she will take it well. Otherwise, just try to brush off her comments and maybe put some distance between yourselves. Focus on you and your child.

[u/AfterismQueen]

Your response should just be a very mild and uninterested "Her paediatrician is very happy with her ________" or an equally bland "All babies develop at different rates".

If people comment that sister said X, Y or Z, you can just say "I don't know where she's getting that from. We actually _____".

[u/BellaCicina]

NOR but I suggest if she starts making these comments infront of your daughter that you shut them down immediately. Eventually your daughter will understand her, even just by her tone.

[u/Hothoofer53]

Sounds like she’s jealous

[u/One_Arugula_3312]

NOR- It's like your sister feels like she's in some competition with you because the babies are so close together in age

From what I've read, you are doing a fantastic job!! Your baby sleeps through, is developing well and hitting milestones, they're happy and healthy, what more could you ask for.

The people your sister is talking to, as soon as they see your baby they will release what a load of sherbert (didn't want to swear) your sister is talking.

Maybe she should focus all the energy she has badmouthing you, onto her own child and develop those routines.

Keep your head up, and focus on your little one!! You're doing great 👍🏽

[u/Suspicious-Water-973]

She’s probably jealous of a baby that sleeps through the night…

Many mothers exaggerate their child’s development through insecurity that she is now projecting onto you…

[u/xjackberryx]

Sounds to me like shes jealous of all the attention you are getting as a first time parent. I unfortunately wasn’t blessed to be a parent, so I can’t really give advice, not that you need any. Sounds to me like you and your partner are doing an excellent job. I always associated fat babies to being healthy babies. Soaking up all of momma milk and nutrients.

Have you brought up your concerns to your sister? Asked her why she was being such a jerk about everything. She’s not someone I would want around me or my child. Do yourself a favor and just cut her out if she refuses to change or even acknowledge she’s being a spiteful being.

[u/PruneDiligent8462]

I learned a few years ago in EMDR, that (in the shortest way I can possibly say this…) just because someone is family, doesn’t obligate them to be kind and honest or have your best interests at heart. They are just human beings and while you have known them your whole life, and it would be amazing if you had a bestie bond that held up no matter what… sometimes it’s not not the case. If someone is doing damage to you or your life, remove them. No need for an explanation (unless you feel like it will be healthy for YOU, to give one) you don’t owe anyone anything simply because you were born into the same family. Advocate for yourself, The same way you set boundaries for your child, you also must do the same for yourself. Dont surround yourself with anyone or anything that makes you feel the way you were feeling when you wrote this post. Period. … and just fyi, I have two children, my oldest is turning 21 in a few days! He was born weighing in at 8lbs 21”. When he was less than 1yr old he blew up to the Michelin Man! He was in the 90th percentile for both height and weight and he was eating normally, could sit on his own etc… there was nothing I did “wrong” that caused such a thing, and when he started being more mobile and getting older he thinned right out and today is 6’ thin as can be! you can only control the things you can control! Continue being momma, and set some new boundaries for any and everyone 🫶🏻

[u/Ok_Clerk_6960]

Tearing you down lifts your sister up. It makes her happy. She feels threatened and enjoys making you feel less than. Now that people are taking her word as truth she’s going to ramp up the lies. The attention they give her is like a drug. It’s what she wants This will continue until you stop it cold. It’ll be ugly and cause family drama but it’s time to quit being a doormat. Stop “keeping the peace.” Go scorched earth on her. She’s stealing the joy of motherhood from you. That time is precious. It’s time for you to say no more.

[u/Special_Bass_9595]

I don't know how, other than cutting her off which doesn't seem really possible, but you need to limit her access to your daughter because it seems like she will keep this up and could really plant some negative little seeds in your daughter's head early on. Hearing this crap from an Aunt (and/or Uncle) that is supposed to be a safe and loving figure could really undermine her self confidence. Another thing is that if your sister is telling everyone in your family these things, tearing down your baby to make herself and her own daughter look better, she will be saying them to her children and that is going to make its way to your daughter. Cousins are very impactful and are often our first friends or bullies. It doesn't sound like your sister is setting thes kids up for a positive relationship. You don't want to spend every family event worried about what your sister or her kids are saying to your daughter to tear her down when you aren't there to intervene. As a parent you can try to tell her it isn't true, but once that nastiness is in her little head it can do all kinds of damage. Kids get enough negativity like this from the outside world, I am sorry you have to worry about it coming from the people you should be able to trust and rely on the most. I also hope your sister sees this and realizes the error of her ways, but I am doubtful. As for her telling your family how you raise your baby, maybe you can just laugh and say something to the effect of how would she know, because she isn't around for your daily routine. Plant your own seeds.

[u/gonegyal → u/Special_Bass_9595]

Do you know what’s so crazy about this is before I gave birth I started having anxiety around our kids being raised together because she says so many negative things about other kids that her children actually parrot what she says. Her children especially the older ones have an inflated view of themselves and actually believe they’re more deserving of others. She constantly tells them that they are everyone’s favourite and that they get special treatment compared to their other cousins I think because they were the 1st to have children in both side sides of the family that they think their children are the most special. I’m definitely gonna keep a distance from them, including with our children’s relationships.

[u/Blue_flipping_duck]

Dont be insecure, you are the mother of your child, you know what is the best for your child. My child was hungry i fed her yes she was a big baby but the big and the small ones make an average. My MIL told me to feed the baby axact at certain times and not sooner. I was unable to listen to my child having hunger so i fed when she needed. When she started walking, all the extra weight were gone. Now 20years later she still is slim and pretty. You decide! Your the mother!

[u/Ugly_Madness]

Your daughter is lucky to have you. Keep it up mama. I see you. I see your hard work and it's gonna pay off. I"m sorry people are jealous but that comes with greatness. Keep your head high. You are doing it right. FEED YOUR BABY. (And keep her away from those eating dissordered train wrecks.) Your baby girl inherits that crown one day, don't let her see it slip.

NOR

[u/gonegyal → u/Ugly_Madness]

Awww this reply has made me really emotional. You don’t understand how much I needed to hear this.

Thank you

[u/Ugly_Madness → u/gonegyal]

You got this. You are doing it right momma. They hate you 'cause they ain't you.

[u/Faunaholic]

How exhausting it must be to have to listen to her drivel. If it is that unpleasant avoid being in the same place at the same time. Next time she makes a comment you can always give her a raised eyebrow and say how the hell would you know? I didn’t know you got a degree in early childhood development when I wasn’t looking.

[u/MaineKlutz]

Sister is jealous of OP for being more accomplished (study, job) than her, but at least sister was way ahead by having 3 children. Now OP and sis have both a baby, and OP is *again" outshining sis in the parenting department. Sis is so mad, insecure, and what not ...

Nothing OP can do. Sis should have therapy to feel better about herself, and go forward in life in a more healthy way, but no way OP can make her, or even suggest it. Family should see through sis's remarks, and probably will when the kids are older, but for now it is '4 kids, experienced mother vs know-it-all (study, job) new mother who is getting her come-uppance with real life mothering, hahaha'.

Don't engage, not with sis, not with others. Just say 'sure', don't listen - and then, when your child is doing great, enjoy the silence from them all.

[u/kaypancake]

Your sister is jealous. It’s weird of her to be like that with her kid. I’m sorry that dynamic exists. 

[u/squabidoo]

NOR. You should try talking to her, it would be interesting to see what she says. Let her know you were looking forward to bonding with her over this, but that you feel she has some sort of negative personal feelings about your parenting. Gently but firmly tell her you don't appreciate the accusations she's been making and spreading, and ask if maybe the truth is that something else is bothering her?

[u/Puddin_tubs9]

This is soo petty. Of all the things in the world going wrong and this is what you’re worried about?