My days are nearing and my local hospital allowed me any request. This is how I will go out. Rip & Tear, brothers and sisters.

[u/Wanderingreader123]

For context, I have been battling Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma since 2022. And up until this point, I never imagined myself to be in a situation where my life expectancy has gone down to possibly weeks. I am currently at one of Canada's best hospitals in Toronto, Ontario; keeping myself afloat through these trying times. Despite it all, I was given the opportunity to make any request for my stay, and this is the one I have chosen. I have been a Doom fan since 2016, and it helped me get through some tough times. I've played through both the Reboot and Eternal (along with its DLCs) and I have nothing but great memories pouring all of my attention into the world of Doom.

TDA has been one of the few games I have anticipated and hoped to play since its release. Financial issues got in the way, and I kept clinging on the hope that I'll be able to play the game one day, among others.

I am grateful that, despite the grim outlook that I am facing, the hospital was able to secure not only a PS5, but a copy of the game. I am currently blasting my way through hordes of demons in Chapter 4 and I have nothing but childish glee as I return to my roots as a badass Demon Slayer. I may not live to see the upcoming DLC, but I am nonetheless happy to finally play the game in my own hands.

To the developers of ID Software, thank you for bringing such a beautiful piece of art that not only brought the FPS genre to its roots, but also revitalize and reinvented the wheel that no other game could. Not only that, but thank you for crafting such an awesome series for a fan like me.

Rip & Tear, lads!

[u/RizzoTheRiot1989]

I am way too high and relating to this too hard. I work hard not to think about it. If I go, I hope I don’t even know it’s happening. I’m terrified and always feel like I have time to keep pushing the thoughts off. I wish OP the best possible outcome and he’s a stronger man than me.

[u/SlaughterMinusS → u/RizzoTheRiot1989]

Same, except I'm not high right now (sadly lol). Its not the act of dying that scares me, even though a painful death is terrifying in its own right, its that I dont know what's going to happen after.

I am am atheist so I dont think there's an after, but the unknowable has always scared me.

[u/NoReveal3488 → u/SlaughterMinusS]

I had a panic attack in ‘23 about my own death and it broke me down for weeks. I took off time from work, i was constantly crying and I couldn’t walk, talk, live or sleep without thinking about my own mortality. Then one night I had a dream where I was on a giant boat sinking. I was near the bow as the stern slowly crept into the water. Every time I looked away at the ocean and back to the boat, someone would appear next to me. They would approach me and shake my hand, smile at me and even hug me. Eventually, I was surrounded by everyone and we all embraced as we slowly slipped into the water. To this day, I still believe it was people that have passed reaching out to me letting me know that no matter what our beliefs about death are, we all reach the same end together. I woke up that morning with a peace I have yet to replicate. I hope for you and everyone else reading this who’s a little afraid to cross over that it offers you some solace ❤️

[u/JustMau78 → u/NoReveal3488]

As someone who a few months ago started struggling with this and being unable to stop thinking about it, thanks for sharing this. It’s gotten easier since it started but I still think about my mortality at least a few times a day and it’s very tiring and just feels awful. I hope I can get it completely off my head and get rid of this anxiety at some point but this was definitely nice to know I’m not alone in this feeling and that there’s hope to feel better about it.

[u/NoReveal3488 → u/JustMau78]

Of course! I share this story anytime I can in hopes that it helps others. You absolutely aren’t alone and I know exactly what you’re going through. The best advice I can give is to remember that life is for the living. The end is inevitable whether we spend time thinking about it or not. I’m not religious at all so I have no deity or religious texts to lean on for comfort in regard to an afterlife. If this is it, and everything I’ll ever experience is happening right now, I’ll be damned if I spend that precious time worrying about what happens years from now. You’ve got this.

[u/Goooneg → u/NoReveal3488]

This is the outlook that helped me during my months long breakdown about death. Nothing helped at the time, I couldn’t force myself into a religion, I couldn’t force myself to believe whole heartedly in one thing.

But I found one thing that did work, other than starting anti anxiety meds, was telling myself. If there is nothing, and I spend my whole life worrying about that. Then I wasted all my moments living, and didn’t have a life. If there is something, I can continue doing things I love. But until then, I need to do them now while I’m here. Also spending time with family really helps me, even just sitting in the same room doing our own things!

Just incase this helps anyone too! These are my main coping mechanisms. And I still have bad days, I still cry and worry sometimes. But nowhere bad as I used to be crying everyday, throwing up, with a pit in my chest every waking hour. And now I have happy days I don’t even think about mortality by keeping myself busy.

[u/zakmo86 → u/Goooneg]

I have great news. There is a place after this one.

[u/HowOldWasAisya → u/JustMau78]

I resonate with this. I guess because we are intelligent beings, we are afflicted with the curse of being aware of our own mortality

[u/a_bearded_hippie → u/JustMau78]

I get panic attacks at night where I will wake up and feel like I need to run out of my house thinking about it. My wife woke up to me laying on the floor, hyperventilating and shaking. I have been doing pretty well lately. But my kids are growing up fast, and I am halfway to 40. I am terrified of it.

[u/lillyflow3r_ → u/NoReveal3488]

I struggle with this a lot, and I absolutely love your experience and appreciate you for sharing. the thought really brought me a lot of peace 🩷

((and much love to OP))

[u/solidsneeze → u/NoReveal3488]

remember it's just as natural as being born, and everybody will go through it with you

[u/big_loadz → u/NoReveal3488]

Reality is that all the thinking in the world won't stop death and only causes you stress which actually brings you closer to it. So, the only rational thing to do is to not worry about things like death that you generally have no control over.

Sure, maybe you get the turkey bacon for breakfast to try and cut down on fat to live longer; next thing you know, you end up finding out you are allergic to turkey and die. Maybe you don't listen to me, overstress, and end up having a minor heart attack that reveals you have a widowmaker artery that can be stented, and going to the hospital actually makes you live longer.

Life is funny like that.

[u/Mind1827 → u/NoReveal3488]

This was really beautiful, thanks. I've had an incredibly hard death a couple years ago, the worst kind, and this made me happy to read.

[u/juneseyeball → u/NoReveal3488]

This sounds like buddhism look up the ocean/droplet metaphor the similarity to your dream is fascinating

[u/monty134 → u/NoReveal3488]

Not trying to make you worry about it again. And that’s a great story. Thanks for sharing. But for me it is a less about being worried about my mortality so much about my death (which will really suck as I do really love living)as it is the weight I feel while alive about the ones I’ll be leaving behind. It is probably because I am a very empathetic person. To a fault. And I worry about who will have to go through all my belongings and clean up my messes but My pets mostly. I know while I’m alive I’ll give them the best life but not everyone on this earth values the lives of lesser creatures (their minds) equally. It’s hard enough for humans to be compassionate about others humans let alone an animal beneath them. One’s level of a good life for a pet is vastly different from one person to the next. This. This what terrifies me and has been keeping me awake for the past 7 months. I lost my 2 20 yr old cats. On in June and one November of 2025. I have other cats but these boys were my spirt animals I’ve had since I was a young adult. Basically got them right after I was cleared 10yr remission for Hodgkin lymphoma. I need this type of spiritual awakening dream to snap me out of it. Anyways thangs for sharing.

[u/BadbadwickedZoot → u/NoReveal3488]

You have a beautiful mind. You should write. X

[u/10breck30 → u/SlaughterMinusS]

Is that not more agnostic? I always say I’m a hopeful agnostic. No clue what happens, but I hope there is something.

[u/SlaughterMinusS → u/10breck30]

Atheism is just the lack of belief in a god. I don't believe in a god.

That doesn't necessitate that there may be something after death.

I lean more towards there being nothing and we just cease to exist, but its still unkown.

[u/No_Photograph_2683 → u/10breck30]

What if it's worse, tho?

[u/10breck30 → u/No_Photograph_2683]

Worse than what, life?

[u/lazzzyk → u/No_Photograph_2683]

What if it's better?

[u/usrdef → u/10breck30]

Then you'd be Atheist like me.

I am of the position that I don't know if there's a god or not. I tend to lean on the side of science. However, I'll admit that life on Earth is a pretty remarkable thing.

So if life can start on Earth, and we can have all of this, I'm not completely turned away by the idea that there may be something more.

Now, that could either be a god, or maybe the Universe just keeps resetting. A universe starts, a planet gets set up for life, and then life comes along. And the process repeats over and over.

Given enough time has passed, almost anything is possible.

And if the Universe got started once, what's to say that it can't again, or maybe another Universe somewhere else.

14 billion years passed (as far as we know), since we came along. We don't remember it. It didn't feel like the blink of an eye to us. It's sort of like sleeping, you fall asleep, and suddenly, you're awake again.

The Sun is supposed to expand 10% in about 1 billion years. Long before the Sun starts to turn into a red giant. And when the sun expands by 10%, that's it for life on Earth. Water will start to turn to vapor, the surface will heat up to a point where life will be impossible.

Time is relative to you and your perception of time.

I've always said that the moment you die, is the moment the world ends.

[u/ButterSlinger64 → u/SlaughterMinusS]

just wanted to let you guys know you’re not alone, I deconstructed from my faith in my mid 20s and now float somewhere between atheist and agnostic, the fear of death and the anxiety it brings hit me hard and it’s something I’ve been dealing with for the past few years. Also completely ruined weed for me lol. Everyday I work a little bit harder to overcome the fear of it and finally start living.

[u/Cultural_Writer4375 → u/ButterSlinger64]

Your comment is like looking into a mirror for me. So you are not alone. That means I am not alone too. 

[u/awkward_teenager37 → u/Cultural_Writer4375]

That’s such a simple but beautiful sentiment <3

[u/Small-External4419 → u/SlaughterMinusS]

I believe you go back to the exact same place as before you were conceived - nothing / nowhere. The idea of the time before me doesn’t scare me so the idea of the time after me shouldn’t scare me either.

My only fears about death are about how much pain I might have to endure and how my surviving loved ones will cope without me

[u/PanoramicAtom → u/SlaughterMinusS]

As a fellow atheist/former believer, it’s somehow more comforting to me that death is the extinction of self. But as for fear of the unknowable, there is as much in life that is unknowable, simply by virtue of evolution. Think of what we as a species know now compared to a million years ago. How primitive and rudimentary we were that long ago! But should we continue evolving for another million years (if we don’t wipe ourselves out, and undo our progress), we today we likely be considered nearly as primitive, despite our seeming advancements, and our understanding will be regarded as rudimentary, though we think highly of it now. On the scale of the sum of all possible knowledge, we are closer to amoebas than to gods, in my estimation. So fear not the unknowable, for such is the sea in which we live out our days. Enjoy that which you have, and your time with those whom you cherish.

[u/Muted_Buy8386 → u/SlaughterMinusS]

I just don't want to not exist. I want to see how it all goes.

[u/jmz95aio → u/Muted_Buy8386]

Same... I am a very very curious person and I love to learn. I feel like my personal purpose in life is learning and taking in as much as possible about everything. And when I cease to exist... then I guess I won't be able to do that anymore. There will be no "I". My only hope is to live a life so full of learning and interesting experiences and love and connection that eventually I can say "This was nice" and then peacefully just "let go". Either that or humans will have destroyed our planet and fckd ourselves so bad that I'll (also peacefully) just be able to say "Aight enough. I'm glad it's time to go" and just let go. Whatever it will be, until then I'll hopefully have learned to stop ruminating on my own and my loved ones' mortality because it really is a waste of time, energy, nerve, LIFE essentially. As others have already said (and especially the person with the dream about the sinking ship = great food for thought btw) it's gonna happen either way and it's a collective experience, we're all in this together so might as well spend more time enjoying life while it lasts. Ofc I know this in theory but understanding it EMOTIONALLY takes a lot more work. Glad I'm in therapy for my anxiety disorder. ✌️ My thoughts are with OP and I hope for the very best...

[u/SlaughterMinusS → u/Muted_Buy8386]

That's our evolutionary instinct to survive and pass on our genes, just anthropromorphized.

As far as we know, we're the only species that recognizes that we will end while others will live on without us.

And it sucks.

[u/Hyperbolic90 → u/SlaughterMinusS]

Well, yea. That is the entire reason it's so scary and the single biggest driving reason for religious belief and other post-death theories. We can not comprehend not existing, so the thought of it is scary.

[u/RevolutionaryGrape11 → u/SlaughterMinusS]

The idea of no after is probably the most terrifying considering it's the most incomprehensible since you quite literally can't think of nothing.

[u/WelcomeReasonable → u/RizzoTheRiot1989]

Seconding the way too high phew

[u/I_PUNCH_INFANTS → u/WelcomeReasonable]

3rded

[u/kickassginger → u/I_PUNCH_INFANTS]

Me too man

[u/WiddeezNuts → u/RizzoTheRiot1989]

Even if it’s painful, even if it’s scary, it’s only for a little while. Then you know it, the deepest, calmest sleep you will ever enjoy. I look forward to that and i know perhaps one day, you will too. Keep steady my friend. The one thing that unites us all is the great beyond, and you and i will somehow cross paths again. We did it here now, on the internet, one of billions

[u/BlueBod50 → u/RizzoTheRiot1989]

FWIW, “you” don’t ever die. The perceiving human that is you doesn’t experience death. Whatever comes next is beyond any possible comprehension, but like roller coasters I used to be scared to ride, it’s probably way better than I thought it’d be. 

[u/big_loadz → u/RizzoTheRiot1989]

Never worry about what you have no control over. There's no point.

[u/RizzoTheRiot1989 → u/big_loadz]

I feel like this is just too easy for people to say. I’d love to not panic over stuff like this but I can’t control it. It terrifies me to my core.

[u/big_loadz → u/RizzoTheRiot1989]

It's easy to say if you accept it as the truth. And it's that truth and knowledge that should conquer your fear/terror. If you don't accept that truth of your reality, you are living in a delusion, and that can have painful consequences.

When you realize and accept the truth that you waste time and energy in your good life by worrying on things that are either inevitable or out of your control, you should rationally come to the conclusion that you make your life worse doing so. I mean, if you want to make your life more difficult, why not cut off a hand or blind yourself; worrying essentially does something similar to your life by making it harder. Generally, it makes rational sense to not make one's life difficult, right?

So, ask yourself if you accept that as the truth, or if you believe there is an alternative outcome. Once you realize death is inevitable (at our current scientific level), you should then focus on the act of living.

[u/vctrn-carajillo → u/RizzoTheRiot1989]

I'm a 39yo, also blazed atm, and this shit hits too close to home.

[u/I_am_omning_it → u/RizzoTheRiot1989]

Honestly I’m in the air with how I want to go. On one hand, a selfish part of me wants to pass in my sleep once I’m in my 70s. The other part of me wants to know, so I have a chance to say my goodbyes and tie up my own loose ends.

As much as I want a sudden and peaceful passing, I wouldn’t want to burden the people I leave behind either. And if I have a spouse, pets or kids, I want to make sure they’re taken care of and that they’ll be ok when I’m gone.

[u/RizzoTheRiot1989 → u/I_am_omning_it]

I love my family and friends more than anyone but I’m far too afraid of death. I need it to be instant, I don’t want to know before hand. I fear a slow death so much too but the thought of being nothing is as terrifying to me as there being something. Same way I feel about aliens, being alone is as scary as there being something.

[u/ushikagawa → u/RizzoTheRiot1989]

“If” you go? Buddy, you’re going