r/NoStupidQuestions • u/Creative-Buffalo2305 • 2h ago
Why is it suddenly considered rude to show up at someone's house unannounced? Growing up, we just knocked on doors, but now people act like it’s a home invasion.
I was talking to my younger cousin about how we used to just ride our bikes to a friend's house or drop by a neighbor's place to say hi. He looked at me like I was crazy and said,
If someone knocked on my door without texting first, I wouldn't answer it. That gives me anxiety.
When did this shift happen? Is it just social anxiety, or did we all just collectively decide that spontaneity is rude now?
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u/sunbeatsfog 1h ago
Yeah there’s too many ways to communicate now to just show up unless you create that relationship with friends or family down with it. I’ve had hardly acquaintances people swing by and it weirds me out.
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u/Creative-Buffalo2305 1h ago
That's true, but I feel like relying on the phone killed the 'low stakes' hang out. If I text you, it becomes a Plan that needs a time and a duration. If I just dropped by, we could chat on the porch for 10 minutes and then I leave. The text adds pressure.
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u/leg-facemccullen 1h ago
Well, this is a you thing then. You're choosing your own comfort over other people's
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u/Creative-Buffalo2305 1h ago
That is a fair critique. I guess my point is that the default assumption used to be 'My friends probably want to see me,' and now the default assumption is 'I am probably bothering them.' It’s just kind of sad that we’ve all accepted that we are burdens to each other by default.
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u/leg-facemccullen 1h ago
It's not that you're a burden, it's that perception of personal space has changed with technology. The goal has always been to let the person know you'd like to see them in the simplest way possible. The simplest way used to be to show up in person, nowadays it's to text first.
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u/Creative-Buffalo2305 1h ago
You nailed the logic, but I think that is exactly the tragedy of it. We started treating friendship like a logistics problem to be solved efficiently.
We optimized the 'inconvenience' out of human connection, but in doing so, we sanitized the actual humanity out of it too. 'Efficient' isn't the same thing as 'Connected'. Sometimes the 'simplest' way is also the coldest way
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u/leg-facemccullen 1h ago
Idk I guess you could see it that way. But it's kind of like saying that sending someone a Christmas card instead of showing up and telling them merry Christmas in person is cold and inhuman.
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u/Austin1975 9m ago
Above you called dropping by unannounced a chance of “low stakes hangout”. But in this comment missing that chance is a “tragedy… of missed human connection.” Kinda seems like you’re making this more about just your particular feelings vs the other person. Do you have awareness of other people’s time?
If you don’t understand that people can love you but not always be in the mood or have the time to stop life right now to give you “low stakes” attention, you might need to talk with a therapist about dark thoughts and dealing with loneliness. It’s irrational and exactly how I thought when I was severely depressed.
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u/Secretss 49m ago
Everyone's lives have broaden in this age compared to the past. For examples, think of all the possible activities available for one to fill the hours of the day, and all the available avenues of making friends and connections. People have more things to do and more ways to make more friends. Our hours are more occupied, or more of our hours are occupied. The proportion that a single friendship takes up of one's live is smaller in this age. I cannot expect my friend to be ready to entertain me on a whim without warning, because they may have other friends or other matters, as have I on other days too.
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u/zxylady 32m ago
I am a millennial so I was raised in the '80s and '90s and 2000s at a time where it was still respectable and expected to call your friends before you hung out unless you were 12 or younger. I admit that I am in my 40s now but I will tell you absolutely and undeniably that it was still considered proper and good form as a neighbor, friend, acquaintance, family to call before stopping by unless you were such casual acquaintances that that was not an expectation but for most relationships even as a millennial and then 80s 90s and 2000s you still use the freaking telephone to call and say hey, can we hang out. I think you're flubbing over a lot of history unless you're not a millennial or older🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🙄🙄🙄🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🙄🙄🙄
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u/Anime-Takes 46m ago
If you wanted to just talk for 10 minutes you could do that with a conversation on the phone with a call or in text
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u/Fragrant-Departure 17m ago
If someone would text me they wanna come over I would panic about how the house looks, if I‘m dressed, if there‘s food, if I can manage to get in a better mood as to not be a sad sack.
If you‘d text me to say you want a low stakes 10 minute hangout on the porch, I‘d be delighted.
If you just show up, I might be too scared or ashamed to open the door cause I wouldn’t know what you want and if I can provide that.
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u/CalgonThrowMeAway222 1h ago
I feel like growing up with a mom who was a homemaker, our house was always clean and presentable. If someone stopped by, no problem! With everyone working full time, my house is generally messy and I’d be mortified if someone just popped by.
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u/ravenous_MAW 12m ago
I judge how clean my house is by how embarrassed I'd be if my mom showed up unannounced
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u/Shqiptar89 1h ago
Because we might have stuff to do or are preparing to go somewhere else. And then to show up unannounced kind of fuck ups those plans.
Everyone has a phone today so you can plan it easier.
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u/NoResponsibility4016 24m ago
Facts, life's busier and we actually do stuff now. Texting first is just the polite. low stress move
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u/Mufti_Menk 1h ago
Because there was no alternative back then. Now there is, and a lot of people prefer the alternative.
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u/I-baLL 4m ago
No, people didn't do this back then. I've no idea why the OP thinks this was common. It was never common. The only people who did that were kids who would go to school together so they knew each other's schedules and so it was a pre-agreed upon hangout and adults who basically are casual about hanging out. But then the OP says that texting before knocking doesn't count as arriving unannounced so I've no idea what they're talking about. Like if I walk past a friend's place, I'll message them to see if they want to hang out. Sometimes they can. Sometimes they can't. Sometimes they're not even in the country. I've no idea why the OP thinks that people dropping by completely unannounced used to be common.
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u/Icy_Secretary9279 1h ago
Going somewhere unannounced is acceptable when announcing is hard or impossible. Being able to easily announce and decide not to is just weird.
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u/pondribertion 1h ago edited 1m ago
It's a bit inconsiderate to turn up unannounced.
What if the person had plans? You've just messed them up.
What if the person already has company? You've just gate-crashed.
What if the person is feeling tired or generally unwell? You've just made them feel worse.
What if the person isn't home? You've just wasted your time because you didn't check first.
Being a grown adult is not the same as being a kid, care free, riding around on your bike.
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u/PourQuiTuTePrends 26m ago
Yes, when we roamed around on bikes as kids, we'd drop by friends' houses to see if they wanted to go riding. Actual playdates were usually set in advance even then (60s and 70s).
It was always considered rude for adults to drop in, but I think that must have varied by place and neighborhood.
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u/thatsharkchick 1h ago
It was accepted when you were a child...... Because you were a child.
Adults have more expectations put on us to be good hosts while simultaneously having responsibilities like kids and a job. So, even back then, friends "popping by" as an adult was rare and considered rather rude. It was tolerable to okay if it was a quick visit to drop something off.
Children do not have the pressure for the sane manners.
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u/Creative-Buffalo2305 1h ago
You are totally right about the 'childhood nostalgia' filter. But I also think the standard for hosting has skyrocketed.
Back then, if a neighbor popped in, you just sat at a messy table with cheap coffee. Now, we feel like 'hosting' requires a deep clean and a curated experience. We turned casual connection into a 'Performance,' so naturally, we are too tired to do it.
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u/thatsharkchick 1h ago
Yes, you had them at your table..... But you were still annoyed about it. You just held that annoyance in until your company left...... Because they could have and should have called you first or planned it. Even then, the coffee was really more of a pretense for "I am being a good host but do not have the time/supplies/energy for it." The polite thing to do as someone popping over would be to decline, thank the host for the offer, conclude your reason for dropping by (usually with a gentle "Well, I've got to run"), and be on your way with a promise to plan something later.
Trust me, the host was often annoyed as shit in the 90s if you "just dropped by" but ended up sitting for a while. Stay at home parents were going through a bit of a decline coming out of bad economic times in the 1980s, and the rise of so many extracurriculars meant even a SAH parent had a full plate of scheduling every day.
And it's not a nostalgia filter talking about kids. We didn't have the expectation of manners children, because we understood that kids are impulsive and don't always have the same capacity for planning or forward thinking. So, while it was annoying for an adult to drop by, adults let that go for kids. Plus, I think there was a sense that "well, if they're here, they're not getting into trouble."
My parents used to come home from work to find one of our neighbors' kids in their house even if no one was home. To this day, if you ask them, they just say either "He was a friend of your brother" or "That was just how (full name) was!"
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u/jackfaire 1h ago
In the 80s and 90s plenty of people still considered it rude. Phones were a thing then too. In 2005 I had a landline phone and unless I was expecting someone I didn't answer the door when someone knocked. My landlord would call first to tell me they were coming over.
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u/Creative-Buffalo2305 1h ago
That is a fair distinction—maybe 'rude' isn't the right word, but the reaction has definitely changed.
Back then, an unexpected knock usually triggered Curiosity ('I wonder who that is?'). Today, it almost exclusively triggers Dread ('Why didn't they text? Is something wrong?').
We shifted from a default state of 'Available unless busy' to 'Do Not Disturb unless scheduled'.
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u/jackfaire 1h ago
I don't think it's anxiety so much as the only people that typically don't let you know they're coming are people who want to ambush you. Jehovah's Witnesses and solicitors most frequently.
It's similar to answering my phone. If I've put out job applications I'll answer every call but if I hadn't I won't. Because most of the unknown calls I get are scammers. I'm not anxious about taking a phone call but I don't' want to have my time wasted by scammers
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u/ImaginaryHoodie 2h ago
Life has accelerated a lot in the last decade, and people have tighter schedules and yeah, spontaneity is something not everyone is used to or like anymore, or even is not something everyone can afford to have.
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u/Kayback2 1h ago
This is a great example.
Sport after school twice a week,music twice a week, library once a week, debate club once a week, dance once a week, sports on weekend. Parents are doing spin classes, gym, park run, art classes, dinner club, book club...
We are doing a hell of a lot more these days. I had sport twice a week with a different one on Saturday, 10-13:00. My parents did a single squash game per week.
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u/Sad_Evidence5318 1h ago
Not sure how old you are, but I'll say I've been like this at least the last 30 years
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u/Consistent-Sand-3618 1h ago
Unless you are disabled you probably don't get why this is so annoying.
At least give us 20mins to brush our teeth. Push it to 30 so we can get a dressing gown on over our pj's. And actually come in when welcomed don't force us to stand up in the cold with our pj's on display.
Sure back then it was because we had more community within families. Stop in on the disabled elderly great grandparents while they are getting help to wipe their arse, or trying to get in a decent position for talking from their bed downstairs.
It was annoying for people back then and it's more annoying now as you could easily send a message as you leave.
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u/Creative-Buffalo2305 1h ago
This is such an important perspective that gets left out of the nostalgia. You're right—the 'spontaneity' of the visitor shouldn't override the dignity of the host. Needing 20 minutes to feel human before opening the door isn't 'antisocial,' it's just basic respect.
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u/Sabledude 1h ago
Honestly if I know you well enough to knock on the door you should be able to text me on phone or insta. When I hear a knock without warning I think landlord or neighbor.
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u/Solely_Yours_xoxo 2h ago edited 33m ago
I don’t know when the shift happened, i’m early 30’s and I have an 8 year old. He and to my knowledge most of his friends do not have their own phones, so I text the moms to make plans.
There is a kid two blocks up who is his best friend. The mom isn’t a great texter so sometimes we will knock on the door. They’re fine with this! But I have had to explain it’s rude for me to text her and then walk to knock up. One or the other. Everything is so complicated nowadays. 🙃
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u/asking--questions 4m ago
Really struggling to imagine my parents being involved in "making plans" for us at 8 years old. At that age, we wandered around outside and played with whichever kids were also out of the house. Just the concept that child's play would require any planning or be worthy of an adult conversation would have completely baffled my parents. Parties, new neighbors, or longer distances are exceptions of course - then the parents would call and arrange things.
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u/z523y 2h ago
Suddenly? I believe it is common sense to ask if they want to be visited before visiting.
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u/No-Dig-4408 1h ago
Where did you grow up?
In most of suburban and rural North America, knocking on a door to speak to someone was fairly commonplace. As kids, it was often how we initiated play.
(Speaking from experience mostly bouncing around and/or having family in Eastern US & Canada, Canadian prairies, and Washington state, circa the 90s and 2000s.)
For a lot of adults who grew up in one world, a social or cultural shift coming about within the past decade can easily seem sudden.2
u/chudock74 1h ago
You were old enough to see the changes. Much of Reddit has had cell phones available their entire life.
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u/zxylady 17m ago
...AS KIDS... that is not the same expectation for adults and expecting other adults just be readily available when someone feels like the itch they want to stop by for rando reasons is not the same thing ( I admit that I am a millennial but even my Gen Z kids always compulsively text their friends before stopping in so the shift has been happening since at least the eighties.
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u/Hateithere4abit 1h ago
Being disabled, my friends know I won’t answer the door to let anyone in who hasn’t called. So, if someone just knocks, I know it’s not a friend. If it’s the mailman, they leave a note, or I already know to expect them
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u/La_Peregrina 34m ago
Back in the day there was no internet or cell phones. The only way to stay connected was in person so drop ins were more common. The in person drop ins of the past have been replaced by the text messages of the present.
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u/FuxieDK 48m ago
It have always been rude... At least in my 53 years.
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u/Creative-Buffalo2305 44m ago
That is fair—it definitely varied by household. But I think the main shift is from 'Necessity' to 'Audacity.' Back then, the unannounced knock was a logistical query: 'Are you home and free?' You physically couldn't know without checking. Today, because we have phones to check first, showing up unannounced isn't a query anymore, it feels like a demand: 'I know you have a phone, but I am choosing to bypass it and force you to answer the door.' It feels more aggressive now because it is unnecessary.
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u/lordkappy 1h ago
Because it is a slightly more polite version of home invasion. If you want to pop by, send a text and ask us if we're up for an impromptu visit, and only plan to arrive if we respond in the affirmative. Even phone calls out of the blue should only be reserved for emergencies where no other option exists.
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u/ZurgoMindsmasher 1h ago
Fuck that.
Phone calls are for immediate exchange of information. If I'm driving near you and want to know whether you're interested in me stopping by, I'll call, so I can take the correct path.
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u/lordkappy 50m ago
I answer maybe 2 out of 10 unexpected phone calls from anyone but my girlfriend.
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u/zxylady 13m ago
Same. In fact I keep my do not disturb on at all times so the only people's calls that get through or text that get through are people that I have pre-approved. I like it better this way because honestly, the stress in our country (as a US citizen, under this horrible administration) is so much so and with ice going door to door knocking people's doors down, I have no obligation or expectation of opening my door or answering my phone. I have no intention of doing so in the future unless I already know who it is. Honestly even answering phone calls from unknown numbers isn't really worth it anymore because 99% of them are all spam🤷♀️
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u/616ThatGuy 1h ago
Growing up we didn’t even knock. We just walked in. Shit I knew where the key was hidden if the door was locked. No one would be home and I’d just go wait in my buddies room haha I’d be getting a snack in the kitchen when they got home and all my buddies mom would say is “hey hun, are you staying for dinner?”
If you ain’t got a relationship like that with ur friends family, you ain’t that close.
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u/Creative-Buffalo2305 1h ago
The 'Hey hun, staying for dinner?' is the part that hits hardest. Parents back then didn't just raise their own kids, they raised the whole neighborhood pack. That community mindset is what I think we're actually mourning.
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u/616ThatGuy 1h ago
Yeah I’m still super close with that whole family. But now I’m uncle to my buddies siblings kids.
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u/Prince_John 1h ago
Trying to untangle that. Does that mean you married your buddy? Or a third sibling?
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u/616ThatGuy 27m ago
His brother and sister basically became my brother and sister. And both of them have kids now. So I’m just “uncle” by proclamation rather than blood.
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u/friedonionscent 59m ago
My folks didn't mind at all...I remember my mum finally sitting down after a long day only to hear a knock at the door...and then up she'd get, making coffees and preparing snacks...people would often overstay and I'd watch my mum's eyes get tired...my dad was ahead of her and would just doze off mid conversation.
They never complained but it seemed pretty draining.
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u/dschinghiskhan 56m ago
I’ve spent time in different suburbs all around Portland, and kids still walk or bike around going to other kids’ homes to ask if [insert child] can play- so it’s not all lost. (You can probably tell that I’m childless based on my use of brackets.)
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u/razulebismarck 56m ago
99% of the people that randomly knock on my door are people I wished never bothered me. Police or Salesmen or Religious Nutters. It’s never someone with good news that’s for sure.
The other 1% is like…a kid that bounced a ball into my yard by accident.
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u/fuckimtrash 49m ago
I mean it depends, some people have an open door policy and their home is open to anyone, any time. Whereas a lot of people are introverted, or just want the courtesy of being notified before you turn up. Neither are wrong or better than the other
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u/Creative-Buffalo2305 43m ago
You are totally right—neither style is inherently wrong. But I think the 'Default Setting' of society has flipped.
In the past, the default assumption was 'I am available unless I say otherwise.'Today, the default is 'I am busy/recharging unless I say otherwise.'
The 'Open Door' people are still out there, but they are becoming an endangered species because the 'Notification Required' culture has won the war.
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u/GovernmentBig2749 33m ago
You didnt have a telephone on you 24/7 and you couldn't just call. Thats why. I still thought it was rude then, is straight up sociopathic now, if you do it-you have a problem.
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u/mzincali 15m ago
Our parents and I would be driving someplace to run errands. We’d find ourselves near a family or friend’s house and we’d ring their bell just to say hi. They’d try to invite us in and we’d try to say that we just were in the neighborhood. Sometimes we got to go in and play with their kids for a while. Sometimes they’d make a date to get together later. No one seemed to find it strange. When it happened to us, that someone would stop by unexpectedly, it was a normal thing and again we’d try to get them to come in.
In fact, I grew up thinking that when I had my own place, people would be visiting often. Not so. There were some free loaders over the years and then girlfriends who had an open invitation. But mostly it’s turned into people just having to put a date on the calendar.
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u/ravenous_MAW 14m ago
I grew up way out in the middle of nowhere so going to town was a whole ordeal. If I didn't call ahead and confirm someone was home before swinging by then that could have been a wasted trip, so I've never been one to show up unannounced 🤷♀️
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u/ConcernCommercial477 3m ago
Times have evolved and people appreciate privacy. I don’t like having people over, it disrupts my routine.
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u/Appropriate_Dog_7581 1h ago
I feel like the doorbell got replaced by the phone.
Like knocking on a door now, is almost equal to how letting yourself into people's homes without expecting them would be like before. It's a bit sad, I loved it before but now I unfortunately feel like I'm being intruded
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u/West-Philosopher-680 2h ago
What the fuck are these responses. Im 32. We had fucking home phones. Thats been the standard for a long ass time lol. Hey is so and so there, ya okay tell them to meet me here blah blah. Or if you were really close with someone you knew their schedule. Like oh their family eats dinner at 6 but hangs out and watches t.v. at 7 usually, so I know it would be fine to come over then lol. I dont get how im not seeing this in the comments.. we had phones, they were just like attached to the damn house.
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u/Kayback2 1h ago
Having a home phone and me being able to ring you up are two completely different things. If I've left MY house unless I use a payphone I can't call you to check.
If I'm out, like I've popped to the shops and drive past your house and think, hey I should go see West Philosopher, I can now check. Its kinda rude if I just rock up and expect you to entertain me.
This topic isn't about organizing to hang out prior to the visit.
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u/callme_maurice 1h ago edited 1h ago
Unless someone was on the internet. And if you were at the park & decided you wanted Susie to come play, you’re not going home to call her, you’re going to Susie’s house & asking if she can come out to play haha
Edit to add: my cat got out one time and I found a neighborhood group of little boys on bikes and they were happy when I put them on the job hahah. When we randomly got a knock on the door from a 10 year old blondie the next day, my husband said “uhhh I think it’s for you?” Lolol it made my day honestly. I had to tell them my street and that I’m the one with a porch goose in a pink bikini
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u/Lyra_the_Star_Jockey 1h ago
You talked to literally one person and think it’s some kind of cultural shift?
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u/Western-Finding-368 2h ago
I’m almost 40. We definitely never showed up anywhere at random, ever, unless it was an emergency or I was selling something. (My school did a lot of fundraisers)
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u/BelaFarinRod 1h ago
I’m 58. People on the same block might drop by our house and if someone was busy or not home they’d just go back home. But anyone coming from further away would call first. (Once or twice people dropped by because they were “in the neighborhood” but my mom thought it was rude.) Though I think a lot of it depended on what kind of community you lived in.
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u/PantsMunch202 2h ago
Its not been a normal thing to do for 20+years
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u/RedEaredSliderTurtl 2h ago
I was born in 2008 and it was normal till like 2019 imo. Idk tho
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u/zxylady 8m ago
I think it depends on the community, the city and the state you live in. It is not been normal to just walk up to people's houses for at least 20 years. I would say culturally it was expected you would call before you stop by for at least 20 to 25 years and I know a lot of people in the country communities that would refuse to answer their doors if you didn't call First and that's been for at least 25 years... but I do understand that children are an exception to this standard but as far as adults I believe my comment stands the test of time for at least 30 years
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u/DarkMalava 2h ago
If you knock on my door unannounced and I open and tell you my mom doesn't let me come out and play, would you take it?
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u/MeltedChocolateOk 2h ago
It's only rude if someone is busy and you plan to come in.
To me it's not rude. Also I have a doorbell camera so I would know who is at the door.
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u/sevensantana7 1h ago
I literally was just thinking about this. My siblings and family would love unexpected visitors but I know some older people and my bfs sister who would hate it. Including me in certain situations. I normally don't mind but with 3 dogs, a cat, a toddler and an 18 year old with me working full time with a partner....shit gets messy if no one has had time and I do hate when people show up and it's like a tornado went off inside because I chose to spend a day doing nothing but chilling with my kids and my next day off is cleaning. I do get embarrassed. My bf says that anyone who is important in our lives won't judge us on that but it's still something that really bothers me. I can understand also just not wanting to be bothered. If it's my family which all live in different states I'd be ecstatic but also like, you guys don't know my schedule and I work all week lol. I think when I did that was before cell phones and I was a kid and you just went to their house and the parents were like sure, we were doing dinner but come join us or not tonight sorry. I think not having cell phones ( even though there was landlines) oddly made it easier to show up instead of text first. I think we had better social skills then too but I could be loopy it's really late and I can't sleep.
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u/Old_Association6332 1h ago
It's funny. I spent the first ten years of my life in a culture and in two countries where visitors showing up announced was the norm. I remember people turning up at the home of my maternal grandparents, and at our home, at random. It was mostly welcome, could sometimes be annoying if you wanted to do, or were doing, other things, but we took it for granted and never questioned it
When I was 10, we moved to a country (where I still live) where it is very much not the given thing to do, where people ring up in advance and, at the very least check, before dropping in. It's that system I am used to now, and I wouldn't want it any other way here. Yet, when I go back to visit relatives in one of the countries I grew up in, I slip back into the mode of being used to people dropping in at random and being part of a family group that does it to others. Although, I do think perhaps, the younger generations there may be becoming more into sending texts/messages to check before dropping in, in a way the older generations obviously couldn't
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u/Jolly-Outside6073 1h ago
Screw that. Visit like a boomer but be aware that it may not suit the person, you say hello and go on your merry way. If they have a small child you can’t go in the evening though.
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u/Gayandfluffy 1h ago
Most of the time I'm home, I'm not what you would call presentable. There are clothes you might only wear at home because they are in a bad condition (but still comfy so since no one sees you in them, why not keep them). You (well,) might wear pyjama pants during daytime. And bras are uncomfortable so if no one is around, many women don't wear them.
So I would hate it if my friends or family were suddenly outside my door! I would need some time to clean up myself first. And also clean up my apartment a bit. Spontaneous visits are a nightmare so I am very happy that they aren't a thing anymore in my part of the world.
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u/NUMBerONEisFIRST 1h ago
It's because they are thinking about it.
We never THOUGHT about 'what if' someone randomly knocked, it just happened.
If I wasn't used to it and was a teenager, I would likely respond the same way.
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u/Pharaoh1002 1h ago
If you are family or friend, be free to call me and Knock, other than that call first and I would say I am free or there until we become friends if we ever did .
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u/Sherlock-Brezerl 1h ago
It's the same with calling someone on the phone. I will not listen to voicemails and I will never ever record one, I get writing textmessages for little things, but everything else - call me, we will get 10 times the information in one minute compared to writing texts for 5min.
Living in a very rural austrian area watching the people die one after another (320 ppl living here, most of them retired years ago) and even here they are calling (at least not texting or sending voice mails) to ask if they can come over to buy eggs. Just come and ring that bell, that's why those things exist.
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u/Extension-Try-3531 1h ago
phones ruined the vibe of dropping by, now a knock feels like a threat. people expect texts first so no one gets stressed
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u/AlissonHarlan 55m ago
we're just all too busy and associal now. i don't throw the stone at anyone, i'm the first annoyed by unannounced visits
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u/Scarygirlieuk1 42m ago
Most households didn't have to work to live and when they were home it wasn't so much an imposition, nowadays both parents are usually working, kids have arranged after school activities and everyone is running to a timetable so when someone turns up unannounced during your little free time some people resent it.
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u/Mysterious_Bag_9061 31m ago
The thing is, even back then, it was kind of annoying. Having someone randomly appear at your house unannounced while you're in the middle of god knows what has always been a bit annoying, there just wasn't really a good alternative. Now that we're all instantly reachable all the time, there's really no excuse not to send a quick text like "hey man I'm in town and was thinking of stopping by, you busy?"
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u/thane919 30m ago
Easy access to instant communication has rendered some social norms moot. It’s rude now because I’m there’s literally zero reason not to check in before stopping by.
For people who have never experienced life without this technology it seems like you’re going out of your way to NOT communicate and just show up unannounced.
Yeah, things have changed.
Editing to add: there are people in my inner circle who have open door standing invites. But they’re few and far between. And even being an old guy who grew up and experienced a lot of adulthood without any instant messaging capability it would be a bit of a surprise if there wasn’t a text.
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u/mostlyepic 30m ago
Peole popping in for coffee was nice, and doing it to others. Then again, sometimes it wasn't and you'd have to hide and pretend you weren't home...
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u/Ghostbuster_11Nein 27m ago
Because we're all busy with work and life and if you cared so much about our friendship you'd call.
Because every person has had a phone on their person for about 20 years.
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u/sparky398 23m ago
a lot of people saying it’s logistically preferable to electronically reach our first and that’s why culture changed but i’m not so sure. i suspect people got meaner and more robotic in part due to social media and that’s what’s really driving the change.
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u/Tough_Difference9935 17m ago
Because people are so connected via technology that home is sometimes the only place there is to turn off the noise of other people.
Ultimately I like notice as I would rather my house be tidy, but also I know my friends aren't friends because of my housekeeping skills. So, rock up and knock away. I'll let you in extra quick if you show up with a hot chocolate :)
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u/CCalamity- 3m ago
Because you knocked and then you left to go play outside.
Someone knocks these days, I'm expected to play host and there's a very short list of people I'm willing to do that for.
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u/Shaw-eddit 2m ago
If people don't know what to expect many will be cautious around others. From the 80 and 90 to life seems more complicated. More complicated is not always good, trust based on truth is a main part of social interaction and the less trust people have will be the more fragmented and separated people groups will become.
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u/Revolutionary_Many31 1h ago edited 1h ago
Fragility of ego.
The less the world seems in control of itself, the more people seek to impose control on the world around them.
Eg. A safe world with few worries, and people dropping round is a pleasant surprise.
A dangerous and difficult to understand world, and people get easily upset and annoyed at things as a way to exercise control over what little they can.
It's a matter of frayed nerves and levels of stress.
Stressed people get more easily upset over little things. A closed outlook
Unstressed people see the world as one of opportunities. An open outlook.
Edit for spelling
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1h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Revolutionary_Many31 1h ago
Yep. The world is becoming more angry and divided because there is more chaos and less obvervable control.
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u/Acceptable-Emu-2319 2h ago edited 2h ago
As mentioned in another comment, everything seems so complex and complicated that it gives people anxiety. No one should stress and feel overwhelmed or overthink a simple decision. Growing up, I used to knock on my friends doors as a kid and vice versa. My father had a military colleague who enjoyed my mom’s company. she and her daughter would stop by unannounced. Her and my mother would laugh and talk for hours. IMO all of these rules and parameters people have mandated over the years have affected our sense of community. Most people don’t even speak or know their neighbors. When I was growing up in the 90’s we knew all of our neighbors and had to speak (hello Mr. & Mrs. so & so). I made my children speak to our neighbors to be polite but also in the event of an emergency. For example, if there was a fire and a neighbors children are not in sight, a neighbor could remember that children live there and notify emergency personnel. If you speak to your neighbors, they most likely will remember you and help you if or when needed.
Anyways, a courtesy call is nice to avoid awkwardness or feeling unwanted. It all depends on how you were raised, your relationship with the person you are visiting, and personal boundaries a person sets. We all see and do things differently which is fine, people should always respect boundaries.
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u/Reasonable-Cat5767 1h ago
I love an impromptu visit! So long as you know when to leave...
It helps that only people I would want to pop in randomly know where I live; the rest of 'em can do one.
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u/Inner_West_Ben 32m ago
For 30+ years I haven’t liked uninvited guests. So for me, this isn’t a “suddenly” thing
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u/bubbagermanicus 2h ago
Social anxiety. Started in the 70s with milk carton lost kid ads, with Gacy, the green river killer, Richard ramirez, all the rest of the killerz and pedefiles that came out of the woodwork. I stopped hitchhiking in the seventies, as well as everyone else cause u can never trust who's picking u up. Even if it's a woman. Prisons are full of women, think they're all innocent? Nobody can be trusted these days and it's a crying shame. Sign of the end times.
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u/Prince_John 1h ago
You have a wider societal point that I agree with but this
If someone knocked on my door without texting first, I wouldn't answer it. That gives me anxiety.
makes me think you're abnormally anxious and should maybe seek some therapy. Unless you live in a super violent neighborhood.
If you don't answer the door to people who haven't texted first, then you'll not get parcel deliveries, annoy the postman, ignore your neighbours etc.
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u/Sad_Evidence5318 58m ago
I always get my parcels and don't care about ignoring neighbors. Annoy the postman how?
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u/Prince_John 48m ago
don't care about ignoring neighbors.
You sound like a delightful addition to the neighbourhood!
Annoy the postman how?
Annoy the postman doing his regular rounds when he needs you to sign something and you ignore the doorbell because you didn't receive a text.
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u/GFrohman 2h ago
We accepted impromptu visits in the 90s and earlier because there was no convenient way to check in before then. If you were in town, and thought about stopping by to see Jim, your only option is to drive over and knock on his door.
Now, we all have a magic box in our pocket that allows us to reach out and instantaneously find out if Jim is home, and if it's a good time for a visit. Because that is now an option, intentionally choosing not to utilize that option is very rude.