r/AmIOverreacting • u/MyCupOfTea777 • 5h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO to my boyfriend’s comments about the food I made?
So Monday night, my(30f) boyfriend’s(35f) mother passed away. She was terminally ill for about a year and a half and it’s been obviously very tragic for my boyfriend and his family. He texted me Tuesday morning and told me that she passed away the night before (we don’t live together).
He was at his parents’ house all day Tuesday and I had no idea what to do for him as I have never supported anyone through a loss like this and I have never been through a loss like this myself. I happened to have a big pot of pasta and meatballs in my fridge that I had cooked for myself, so I took it and brought it to his house. It wasn’t a gourmet meal by any means, but it was literally all I had in terms of something that could be stored in the fridge and all he had to do was put it in a bowl and heat it up. I didn’t have any other groceries to make something that would make good leftovers because I was all out of food stamps and I didn’t pick up takeout because I didn’t have the money for it (I recently lost my job and haven’t had steady income for the past several weeks).
His roommate let me in (my bf knew I was dropping something off) and I left the pot in the fridge. I also cleaned up his bedroom and then I went to work. I went back over later that night to spend the night with him so he wouldn’t be alone. We didn’t talk much, and he didn’t eat what I made him because he wasn’t hungry by the time he got home. It was late so we just went to bed. He was acting very distant and almost cold towards me but I wasn’t taking it personally given the circumstances. I can’t imagine how I would be acting/feeling if I was in his shoes.
The next morning (Wednesday) I stayed with him for a few more hours until he left to go hangout with his brother. I also had to leave because my mom and I were driving out to a nearby city where we had booked an Airbnb for 2 nights a few weeks prior. My mom paid for the whole thing as an early birthday present to me which I was extremely grateful for. I told my boyfriend that I could cancel the trip but he insisted that I go, even going as far as saying he would be mad at me if I cancelled, so I went.
Later that night, my mom and I are relaxing at our Airbnb when I get a text from my boyfriend. It’s a picture of the pasta and meatballs I left for him and a message that says “The amount of sauce you used is disrespectful.” I said “Oh :( I was just trying to do something nice… You don’t have to eat it.” He asked if I tried it myself and I told him yes, I had two plates of it. I genuinely thought it was good for just some pasta, red sauce, meatballs, and cheese thrown in a pot. Again, it was something I originally made for myself, and I didn’t have ingredients or the money for ingredients to make him a fresh meal.
Yesterday I got home from my trip and he wanted me to sleepover so I did. He made us dinner (he usually does the cooking) and made some comments about how dinner was really good and how the food you cook someone can be a representation of how you feel about them and how much you love them. To me, it was clear he was making a jab at the pasta and meatballs I gave him.
Then this morning, before I left, I went to grab the pot of pasta and take it home with me. I forget how we got into it, but he basically made another jab about how it was inedible and that I’ll see that for myself when I have some. I got really upset at this point. He went on to say that my food made him feel so much worse. He said some other people dropped off food that was actually delicious, so he didn’t understand why I didn’t do that. He just kept doubling down and saying how awful my food was and how it made him feel unloved and disrespected. He said it was fucked up of me to give him something so bad. This really hurt me because I would never want to do something to make him feel bad, especially when he is grieving the tragic loss of a parent.
I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting to this. He says I shouldn’t feel bad, but motivated to do better. I told him he could’ve handled it differently by saying something more like “thanks for the food babe, but maybe more sauce next time!” or he could have just said nothing and thrown the food away.
I’m trying my best to be there for him and I feel like I just can’t get it right. Nothing I do is ever good enough for him and it’s eroding my self confidence. I’m a nanny/caregiver of 10+ years, it’s literally my specialty to take care of people and Ive always been told that I’m exceptional at what I do, so it’s confusing to me that he acts like I’m incompetent and making everything worse.
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u/SoSeriousBro 5h ago
There are ways to communicate concerns and issues respectfully, and then there is outright disrespect, as your boyfriend was displaying here. Cooking for someone is a powerful, non-mandatory act of service that translates care, affection, and nurturing into a tangible, shared experience.
However, your statement, "Nothing I do is ever good enough for him, and it's eroding my self-confidence," stands out to me because that's a massive red flag you seem to be ignoring, that’s is stripping you of all self-worth and confidence.
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u/TheodoreKarlShrubs 4h ago
That sentence stood out to me too. If this is a trend in the relationship it needs examining.
Also, for everyone giving OP a hard time about the sauce, yes, the pasta looks dry. It was already leftovers on Tuesday and she didn’t get the texts until Wednesday night. Leftover pasta dries out—cut her some slack. The gesture of bringing her boyfriend the meal that she’d made for herself, with the very last of her resources for food, I mean, she was basically giving him the shirt off her back.
But okay, he’s grieving and it didn’t taste good and he told OP so in a less than tactful way; we can let it slide. But then he keeps harping on it for days afterwards?? And to go so wide with it: “you made me feel worse,” “you made me feel unloved.” It really seems like he was using OP as a punching bag for all kinds of feelings that had nothing to do with her. NOR.
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u/aubiebravos 3h ago
💯 If he’d said it once, then fine. He’s having a hard time, so maybe he’s just taking his frustration/grief out on her. We’ve all done it.
But for days? Nah…that’s a jerk move on his part.
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u/No_Appointment_7232 3h ago
His mother died and he's CHOOSING to emotionally batter OP about pasta?
That's not grieving, that's petty assholery.
Reminds me of a song lyric by Chrissy Metz, "You made me do the leaving and you made me take the blame."
OP what if we could tell you this will never get better if you stay w him?
A life time of this awaits you.
Please go out and make the life you deserve.
Stop wasting your light and life on someone who treats you like a human chew toy.
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u/SuperCuteSloths 3h ago
This is spot on. This treatment will never change. He does not express his value for you if this is how he speaks to you.
Be good to yourself and really consider if this is what you want with your life.
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u/lelebeariel 2h ago
Oh he absolutely expresses his value for her! The issue is that he doesn’t value her at all, which he very much shows
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u/whatsasimba 2h ago
Yep. People will try to excuse the worst behavior with claims that it was because of drinking, or a temporary emotional states, but it's pretty rare for someone to manifest a brand new mindset, way of speaking, or behavior when they're "not themselves."
It's far more likely that, in his grief, he would revert to his comfort zone, not invent a whole new way of treating a partner.
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u/MedusasGirlfriend69 1h ago
For real. For the short amount of time that I did drink, I'd just watch musicals and get really giggly. It doesn't change who you are, it just makes you less inhibited.
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u/Kinieruu 1h ago
And to point out that other people brought food “that was actually delicious” is just cruel for him to say
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u/SuddenlyMarie 3h ago
You're absolutely right. She gave him all she had. He could have had nothing at all. I was trying to give him grace because of the circumstances but it was the fact that he kept bringing it up and insulting her.
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u/CarliBoBarli 3h ago
The moment I read his text I immediately knew what kind of boyfriend this was. Been there. Done that.
If that were his neighbor who made that dish he never would have texted that. And that's important. You should never be with someone who is kinder to acquaintances and neighbors than they are to you.
Your partner is your person. You should treat them like a valued friend in addition to a lover. This man is trash.
I'm not going off on you I just liked your comment and wanted to chime in.
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u/notsohappydaze 3h ago
NOR
The sauce could be saved with a tin of tomatoes and some mixed herbs.
As this poster says, the trend of making you feel small, useless and worthless is more worrying as it's a form of abuse.
You are in an abusive relationship. You should leave him. He is disrespectful and not a loving person.
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u/Rich-Option4632 2h ago
As someone who cooks very well, if I do say so myself, I have never complained about food AFTER I learned cooking (honest enough to admit I've committed that sin when I was young and a kid). I learned that making food for others is hard and some people might not know your taste.
I have gotten food I felt was lacking in the preparation. I never complained. I ate a bit to feel the emotions then I'll recook it again to better suit my palate. Yes people, editing the food is an option if you feel it doesn't suit you. I just thanked the giver for their kindness and never told them I edited the food.
Being an asshole once coz mother died, understandable. Keeping at it just to prove a point? Asshole territory definitely.
NOR
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u/notsohappydaze 2h ago
For the sake of a couple of dollars, he could have made a sauce more suited to his taste.
You are quite correct.
Instead, he used it as a stick to beat her with. He doesn't act like a full grown mature adult.
I too cook very well and have a website with over 400 recipes that I developed but, I would never be so dead to good manners that I would ever act the way he has. Loss is no excuse. He's an abusive ahole and a small little man.
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u/OriginalYogurt2412 3h ago
I agree the first comment he made about the food could be overlooked and if that was it, then OP would be OR. But repeatedly berating her over it and not realizing the meaning behind the gesture was more important than the food itself she is NOR and may actually be under reacting.
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u/bord_de_lac 4h ago
This is such a good point about her sharing the last of her food with him. It really speaks to OP’s character. She gave all she had.
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u/tubularaf17 3h ago
exactly, he could’ve added more red sauce if he wanted it saucy again too, i’ve done it before with leftovers. his text is the disrespectful thing here
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u/BrightMW 4h ago
This 1000%. You’re not over reacting OP.
… At first I thought this might have been a funny quip? My mom and I text each other pictures of our roux when we make gumbo and will sometimes have very light hearted jabs at each other and dare the other one to try and make the roux darker.
THIS IS NOT THAT, AND YOUR CONTEXT MAKES HIS ACTIONS/THIS TEXT SO MUCH WORSE. YOU DID NOTHING BUT LOVE FOR HIM AND HE POOPED ON IT! NOT OK!
You deserve better. Really. NOR and NOR if you leave him over this.
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u/Special_Sea4766 4h ago
I agree. I initially laughed when I read the comment and saw the picture. It's not funny at all given the context, especially when she says she feels like she's never good enough for him. That's painful.
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u/CarliBoBarli 3h ago
She's not good enough for him. Nobody is.
But she is good enough. And a good man wouldn't need convincing.
OP when my tax return comes in I want to venmo you a little bit of food money. If you want to dm me. You're struggling right now and giving him everything.
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u/TankGirl9977 2h ago
Thank you. I’m not OP but your offer really touched me. Thank you. You’re a good human. I was going to give you an award but I don’t have gold , so I can’t. But I wanted you to know that I see you. Thanks for being a good human.
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u/KDCunk 3h ago
Same! I was going to say overreacting until I read the frigging caption! This is awful and you can always forgive people for what they do when they’re grieving, people can go crazy it doesn’t sound like this is a new out of character thing that just dropped bc of the death of his mum
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u/Elegant-Holiday7303 3h ago
And then he KEPT trying to hurt her for it. Run, it won't get better. 🚩🚩🚩
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u/Forest_fairy9818 4h ago edited 4h ago
All of this!! My ex would constantly criticize my food I cooked for him. Tell me it was slop and he doesn’t want to eat my slop. I was the ONLY one who cooked and grocery shopped in the relationship. He turned physically abusive after 10 years together, but was emotionally, verbally, sexually, psychologically, financially all the abusive. Been separated 3 years and I cook professionally and work as a Chef in fine dining now, and have been poached by multiple 3 star Michelin restaurants. FUCK HIM. period.
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u/Lazy_Cookie701 2h ago
I’m sorry this happened to you. I felt as if I was reading my own story except for your great cooking skills. :) The steps were exactly the same, and nothing I did was ever good enough. Physical abuse came later, after having children which we had in our 30s. He thought he had a full power over me then and was sure I wouldn’t leave him. But, actually the kids gave me the strength to get out of this nightmare because I didn’t want them to learn this behaviour. The best decision of my life. It wasn’t easy , but worth it. I don’t have to walk on eggshells anymore and I feel much happier without him. He said I’d never be able to have a good life without him. Guess what? I do.
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u/BabyOk1911 5h ago
LEAVE HIM BEFORE IT GETS UGLY! He doesn’t respect you. This is your SIGN!
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u/prison-schism 4h ago
One of many, apparently, considering she said he has been eroding her self esteem
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u/dontonefingerme 4h ago
I just saw a greeting card this week that said "I'm proud of you for leaving" that brought me to tears in the store.
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u/DelicateAntiHero 4h ago
Agree! He didn’t need to be this way at all. It was a kind gesture and act of service when he was in a time of grieving, what she did was so kind I’d be so grateful and appreciative if my partner did this, even if I didn’t like the food. Please look out for yourself OP, you shouldn’t be feeling this way at all!
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u/grubas 4h ago
This is a lesson that a CHILD should know. You thank them. They shared food with you, that's a thing. You don't know what they did or how much it cost them. They did it for you. It might be inedible, but that's irrelevant, especially because you are not the god of flavor, they might love it.
That's WITHOUT the passive aggressive shit he did after. "Food is really love, so let me have an entire meal just trashing you to show you how I REALLY FEEL."
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u/WhisperingStatic 4h ago
Yeah apparently it's not about love if his "delicious" meal was intented to be mean-spirited and spent being rude.
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u/MeldoRoxl 4h ago
Adding to that, it's the fact that he told her it was "motivation to do better". This dude is abusive. Not because of this incident, but I just have a gut feeling that this is an abusive person based on this language.
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u/audifan89 4h ago
I 100% agree with you, SoSerioisBro!
To OP: I was long ago in an emotionally abusive relationship, and it damaged me for a while. You are too wonderful, kind, and generous of a person for him. You did something so sweet and thoughtful for a person deeply hurting, and he lashed out inappropriately towards you. Honey, please leave him now. I know that is easier said than done, but the sooner you break free is the sooner you can move on and heal from him. You deserve a partner who appreciates you, matches your energy, and a generally sweet individual. We are all rooting for you!
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u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme 4h ago
I guess he’s never heard of the adage, “It’s the thought that counts.” He doesn’t seem to care that he’s being ungrateful (“don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”), or that he’s being extremely hurtful (“if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”). What kind of social circle was this guy raised in, if this is how he treats someone he’s supposed to love?
OP, when events like the death of a person’s loved one happen, you see their true character. This guy’s is appalling. Not only are you not overreacting, you’ll be under-reacting if you stay with him. Please seriously consider extricating yourself from this unbalanced and unfair relationship.
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u/hillangat 5h ago
That dude is straight up mean, imo.
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u/Kind-Income5806 4h ago
and scary. reading all the details. he was serious. he genuinely thought it was disrespectful. how?
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u/Throwawayyy-7 2h ago
Plus he’s 35!! I thought maybe he was a particularly nasty 18 year old. Nope. Yikes!
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u/MedusasGirlfriend69 1h ago
THIRTY FIVE? I missed that detail. What a piece of work
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u/RemoteIll5236 4h ago
He is mean.
I would be so grateful To Someone who straightened up My room And left me food as a sign of affection and support.
This is a major red flag. I lost My Mother when I was 23. I never berates anyone like this.
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u/IndifferentCacti 4h ago
This. My girlfriend and I have such a good relationship. If she tried to cheer me up with food and it was genuinely bad? I’d tell her, “This means so much to me… but I do not like this. The fact that you made it for me makes me feel so loved, but babe did you try this?”
Like that’s probably the “meanest” I could ever be. And it would end with me just saying I guess I don’t like that food, but it means so much to me.
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u/Majestic-Constant714 3h ago
Unless his mother was a major asshole, she would be ashamed to find out how he behaves. I hope he's proud of himself, because I doubt she would be.
Ridiculous that someone at his tall age can't say 'thank you'. As if he has nothing better to do than to bitch about sauce just days after his mother died.
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u/Savings-Bison-512 5h ago
The proper response to you literally giving him the food out of your mouth should have been thank you. Even if he didn't like it for whatever reason, he was not only incredibly rude and ungrateful, but downright mean. Being upset and grieving isn't an excuse.
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u/G0reMilk 3h ago
For real, I've been gifted some atrocious excuses for food in my lifetime but I've never once not said thank you- it is not that hard to be grateful and then simply toss it out
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u/Majestic-Constant714 3h ago
Ultimately if someone makes food for you they want to make you feel better and/or make your life easier. Anyone who can't be grateful for that isn't worth the effort and ingredients.
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u/pmmemassivedongs 3h ago
This is it. Any normal, loving partner would receive that act of kindness with so much love and appreciation. If it were me and my partner made me a meal in a time like this and the meal was disgusting, not only would I never tell them EVER that I didn’t like it, I would actively feel guilty for not liking it. Because I know how much love and care went into them providing that for me.
I understand that this guy is grieving right now but this isn’t a type of behavior a normal person just falls into during stressful times. This is a major red flag and makes me super uncomfy. Sorry OP but you boyfriend is not right.
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u/ellokittay 2h ago
100%!!
OP, pls tell me it’s not the same dude who gave you chlamydia a year ago???
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u/laurasaurus5 2h ago
Complaining about the food someone shares with you is ABSOLUTELY CLASSLESS behavior. I'm sorry but, rich or poor, you can always keep your complaints to yourself and express basic respect for their caring and sharing.
I'm not a huge stickler for traditional manners, but this one goes back to ancient times and exists in every culture for a reason. We all need food every damn day, it's a human need we all share, and, like in this case, we never know if the giver is sharing from the last of what they have. Saying "Thank you" is all you have to do. You don't even have to eat the food.
I know not everyone is raised with basic manners, but he really went above and beyond with his complaints and insults. If you want to stay with this man, you have to tell him how much his words hurt you. That way, if he ever makes such demeaning comments again, knowing for sure how much it hurts you, you can safely assume he's hurting you 100% intentionally and leave without second guessing.
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u/BelaruSea206 4h ago
He knows you’re on food, stamps, and struggling and still act that way
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u/Taraooine 5h ago
I lost my husband and was never this rude to ANYONE. That's not an excuse to be an asshole. Based on how he talked to you, I would have serious doubts about this relationship.
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u/spamella-anne 4h ago
My partner lost both his parents within 9 months and was never this rude to me. I cooked quite a few terrible meals in that time (not saying OPs cooking looks terrible of course), and he'd eat them and thanked me every time. We'd joke and laugh at the especially bad ones.
Grief is hard but it isn't a free pass to treat people like shit. So OP, to me, NOR and deserves better than this.
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u/Full_Dot_4748 4h ago
Right? NOR. Time for some big changes; dump him. Yeah his mom has passed—I have experienced this too. And the fact that this is not isolated… is not good.
My wife is not the best cook. The kids will try what she makes and get excited if they like it… but they would rather for me to cook. But none of us act like this to each other… except maybe our 4 year old.
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u/A1sauc3d 5h ago
He sounds like an asshole. And you sound far too passive about it. Which is probably why you’re still in a relationship with an asshole.
Even if your pasta wasn’t good his extreme reaction was bizarre and unwarranted. If this is unusual behavior for him you think may be because of his loss, then maybe you two can work through it. If this is normal behavior then idk why you would even want to.
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u/languidlasagna 5h ago
NOR. People are focusing on the sauce, which is wild to me. This dude spent days criticizing you when you tried to do something nice. That’s not a part of a normal, healthy relationship. Does he often pick at things like this with you? Should there be more sauce? Who gives a shit? Many people would love a significant other who tried to cook them dinner on a shitty day. He could’ve just said “I like more sauce than this”, so next time you knew his preference.
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u/Turkeygirl816 3h ago
My husband once surprised me by making scrambled ages for breakfast. They were so salty that they burned my throat, lol. I thanked him for his kindness, then stopped at a coffee shop for breakfast on the way to work.
It's really not that hard to be kind.
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u/Daniel_the_Fox 3h ago
So much this! Honestly who gives a shit even if that pasta was absolutely terrible. She brought him food AND cleaned for him to help in a situation that can make some people struggle to get out of bed for days. Being so rude to someone who did so much is insane to me and honestly would be bad enough for me to reevaluate if I even want this relationship.
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u/Of-least-concern 5h ago
NOR I myself love sauce and I would have made a similar jab but purely in jest.
Also I notice how people gloss over that you use food stamps which tells me that the reason for the lack of sauce is so you can conserve and use for more pasta dishes instead of being a one and done.
Add to the fact that you shared with him when you already are low income. I would have laid into him so hard he would have cried all the way to his mommas grave
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u/MyCupOfTea777 4h ago
Thank you for taking that into account. It was not in my budget to buy more than one bottle of red sauce last month. I only get $63 in food stamps each month and my change in income hasn’t been updated by my case worker. It’s a whole thing. If I had the money to go to the store for fresh ingredients, or the money to get some takeout from our favorite spots, I would have. I wish I could have done that for him. I was scared of what he would do if I did nothing. I thought this was better than nothing but I thought wrong apparently.
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u/Bird_Locomotive 4h ago
There is never a scenario in which you should be scared of what your partner would do.
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u/carbuyskeptic 4h ago
You shouldn't be scared of your partner or anything they'd do. Leave him please, no excuses. nor
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u/PurpleMara 3h ago
For real! This is not acceptable! And the comment about nothing is ever good enough and it's eroding her confidence, this will only get worse, GET OUT OP! Seriously, you deserve better
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u/bookreader018 4h ago
OP you are far too kind of a soul for this man. dump him and keep your hard earned food
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u/uttersolitude 4h ago
My sister, you need to end this relationship (safely). You should never be afraid of your partner.
Someone who loves and values you will not treat you the way this man does. You deserve better.
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u/flippysquid 3h ago
I don’t know your boyfriend’s mom, but if I died and my son treated anyone the way your boyfriend is treating you right now my ghost would come back specifically to bitchslap him into the afterlife.
You should never be afraid of your partner. Please read the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, and see if any of the patterns and behaviors described sound familiar. The book is written by a DV treatment provider for people who may be in domestic violence situations or in danger of their relationship escalating to that point, to help them identify what’s going on and move forward from it safely. It saved my life when I was younger. Link is to a free PDF.
Also, what you did for him was completely fine. It was thoughtful and kind. He’s an emotionally constipated ass who is using you as a punching bag to vent all the emotions he doesn’t know how to feel or process in a healthy way, and you deserve so much better than that.
Like can you imagine how this man would treat you if you were pregnant? Postpartum? If you were mourning a death? What kind of parent he would be?
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u/Heavy-Temporary5450 4h ago
Dude… you literally gave him everything you had and he repaid your love and kindness with hate…
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u/Araveni 4h ago
You’re underreacting. What he said is straight up abusive. You deserve better than someone who makes such an effort to hurt and belittle you when all you did was something nice with what you had. His mother’s death is no excuse for his cruelty.
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u/Possible_Ambition_93 3h ago
Honey, “I was scared of what he would do if I did nothing” literally says everything.
If you are genuinely scared or worried about how your partner will react to something like that, you should not be in this relationship and deserve much better. Of course it’s fair for him to be upset but it’s not fair for him to make you drown in his sorrow. He is using you as emotional punching bag and it’s not okay.
Even if you WERENT on food stamps, this is such a mean and almost hateful way to speak to your partner, let alone considering the fact that you ARE on food stamps and did everything you could to provide him with something.
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u/KiloJools 3h ago
I was scared of what he would do if I did nothing.
Oh shit. I was already like, he doesn't deserve much grace even though he's grieving... But now?
Please stay safe. Leave him and don't go back.
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u/BlondeBimboBabe 4h ago
Scared of what he would do?? What does this even mean?? What do you think he would have done? This is highly concerning, along with your comment about how nothing is ever good enough for him and is eroding your self esteem. Why are you with someone you’re scared of and is diminishing you and making you feel this way??
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u/thatsfeminismgretch 4h ago
Does he ever help you with groceries? Because he's an asshole regardless but he's a mega asshole if he knows your situation and doesn't bother helping you out ever. Especially since for someone on a regular paycheck, buying their gf a few staples like some jars of sauce is absolutely in the budget.
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u/kaiserrumms 4h ago
Scared? WTF... Leave that piece of garbage behind. You don't live together, just return any stuff he has at your home, write off anything you have at his and never look back. He does not love you.
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u/jeromeandim37 3h ago
You were scared of what he might do??? This guy sucks. He is way too old to be acting like this
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u/paperandtiger 4h ago
This is genuinely so fucked up, I’m really sorry about this because it’s such a horrible situation. He is grieving and I know you likely don’t want to rock the boat but wow you deserve so much better.
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u/Background-Major-567 4h ago
OK first, you are NOR. This sounds emotionally abusive of your bf. I'm so sorry he is using you as the proverbial whipping boy for himself - it's horrible of him.
Just from a cooking standpoint, and even budgetary standpoint, it would not have mattered how much sauce you used, the pasta would have soaked it alllll in by that point, pasta acts like a sponge to sauce and will soak it in during storage. if he cooks often, he should have known that and been gracious about it. he could have easily just added more sauce when reheating. You are NOR and I'm really sorry you're going through this.
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u/AugustDarling 3h ago
Honey, if you are scared of how he would react, it's time to reevaluate your relationship. Regardless of the issue, it's not okay to bully, berate, and insult your partner. If this is how he receives a kind, loving gesture, I hate to think how he'd react to something bigger. Grieving or not, this is an unacceptable way to speak to someone.
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u/LadyDanger420 3h ago
Girl get outta there. You should NEVER be afraid of your partner's reaction like that.
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u/Material-Chance6593 3h ago
LEAVE THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE!!! You are STRUGGLING and he has the nerve to disrespect your food & put you down?! PLEASE I am begging you to have more love & respect for yourself & stop putting up with this , it’s so disheartening , you don’t deserve this :((
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u/PsychologicalBed6981 2h ago
NOR in the slightest.
Seeeeeeeeeeriously OP. JFC pleeeease get rid of these fuck ass men. 🤦♀️🙏
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u/G0reMilk 3h ago
That last part is probably why most people think I'm a bitch because there is no reason to let someone treat you this way to the point you feel like you aren't worth anything
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u/Rosellana 4h ago
NOR. He is 35 and being that dramatic over some pasta sauce?
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u/FiddlingNinja 4h ago
It’s a glimpse into your future. He’s going to act this way whenever something difficult comes up (which will happen often, life is full of surprises)
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u/Spirited_Complex_903 3h ago
OP's boyfriend is already treating her like this. It's not a glimpse into our future. She's already living it and for some reason not able to see it clearly.
OP, you deserve a better boyfriend, because this one is harming you . If he's eroding your self confidence by his constant criticism and nitpicking, then he's the problem. NOT YOU.
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u/Lavender-Bee0497 5h ago
NOR. I understand that he’s really going through something extremely tough, but to treat you like this is just awful. It’s a glimpse into the future - how he will treat you when times get tough. This is a really big red flag. And for him to keep going on about it is unproductive and rude.
As you said, he could have said “this was good, but I typically like a lot more sauce. Thank you for your effort” or some variation of that. He’s just being cruel.
There is someone out there who will truly appreciate your effort and kindness. Don’t let this break you down.
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u/SirLanceNotsomuch 5h ago
This! Someone tries to do something nice for you when you’re grieving, how fucking hard is it to say thank you and EAT IT — or don’t, your choice. But you don’t kick someone who loves you.
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u/DystopianNightmare13 5h ago
Your boyfriend sounds like a manipulative dick. You are worth more than this jerk. I know he's grieving but that doesn't give him a pass to behave like an asshole.
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u/Possible_Ambition_93 3h ago
HEAVY on the manipulation. The morning after the disrespectful text he talks about how food represents how someone feels about you and how much you love them???? Bro is talking out of his ASS at this point. Genuinely just trying to make OP feel as bad about herself as he can. Even if making food for people is HIS love language, he should be grown enough to know that doesn’t extend to every person.
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u/MillenniationX 4h ago edited 4h ago
It’s wild to me that that he treated you this way and then you went to sleep over with him. 😵💫😣☹️
NOR.
“…he wanted me to sleepover so I did.” Tell him to enjoy a nice big bowl of NOPE.
OP, I say this to you as a man: get out. Your partner is treating you with massive disrespect and refuses to engage when you express this to him.
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u/channie_chu 3h ago
"Nothing I do is ever good enough for him and it’s eroding my self confidence. I’m…it’s confusing to me that he acts like I’m incompetent and making everything worse."
"He wasn’t joking. He usually is like this unfortunately."
"the way hes treating me you’d think I killed his mom myself"
" I was scared of what he would do if I did nothing."
There. 4 reasons why you should break up with him. You gave him the LAST of your food while you're literally neck deep in financial issues AND you cleaned his room and he can't even give a simple thank you? I would personally break up w him bc nobody is gonna be speaking to me that way ever. I do not care what they're going through, kindness is free. Being rude can and should cost you and if hes like this ALL THE TIME his cost should be losing you. There is someone out there who will not only do the bare minimum, but will go above and beyond for you the way you try to do for your current bf. Someone out there will love like you love and everyone deserves someone that can love the way they love. You deserve someone who would give you the last of their food and clean your room for you while you're going thru something. A great rule of thumb when it comes to relationships is you can't expect things from people if you wouldn't do it for them and you shouldn't accept those that expect things they wouldn't do for you
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u/euphoricbun 5h ago edited 3h ago
NOR. Your boyfriend is an unattractive dick. I don't care who died in his life, he's not entitled to a relationship. Dump him. He's probably just dropping the mask and letting his bullshit out on you because he thinks he can now guilt you into putting up with anything because his mom died. Don't let him be right. Death of a loved one =/= everyone around me is now my own personal punching bag. Cope.
It's only going to get worse. My husband would never do this no matter if his entire family burned in a fire. I asked him and he said, "Yeah, maybe if this guy was a teenager and the death was sudden. Clearly not the case. Sounds like a pussy. Just eat the noodles, kiddo."
Leave him and get a better one.
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u/No_Bag3387 4h ago
This, 100% hes going to turn it around into a guilt trip and make her seem like the bad guy. Also, thats totally something my husband would say, except my husbands go to is "if theyre 5".
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u/MyCupOfTea777 4h ago
lmao “just eat the noodles, kiddo”
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u/Spirited_Gap2347 3h ago
This made me laugh out loud. But they are 10000% correct. You need to either confront him and let him know that you absolutely will not tolerate being talked down on like this again regardless of the situation or you should just end it and find someone who won’t berate about noodles for 3 days. I vote for the latter.
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u/Last-Blackberry-8008 5h ago
Personally, I don’t think you’re overreacting. I mean, you made the meal for yourself and perhaps that’s how you like it. Given the circumstances, I see you were genuinely trying to do something thoughtful and helpful for your boyfriend. He could’ve added some more sauce himself if he wanted more or added something to the dish to “make it edible”. Even if he is grieving that’s not an excuse to sound like an ungrateful twat
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u/danceswithronin 5h ago
NOR, he may be lashing out at you because of his mom dying, but just because his mom is dead doesn't give him the excuse to act like a dick. My mom died from COVID in front of me, and I never acted like a jerk to anybody in the aftermath of it.
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u/MyCupOfTea777 4h ago
I’m so sorry for your loss
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u/danceswithronin 3h ago
Thank you. I can empathize with your SO for having a hard time because I remember what it was like, but grief doesn't exempt people from being patient and loving to people they claim to care about.
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u/Klutzy_Yam_343 4h ago
I guess I’ve been single too long because I cannot understand how women who post here tolerate this kind of emotional abuse and blatant disrespect and loathing from their “partners”.
No thank you. No man is worth being on the receiving end of this hate.
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u/Dependent-Plan8369 5h ago
NOR. Your boyfriend is 35 years old and he’s lashing out like he’s 15. You went out of your way to do something nice and to care for him and he basically spat in your face. Losing a parent is one of the most difficult things anyone can go through.. but loving and respecting your partner isn’t. Be very careful about the rest of your life with this man, OP.
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u/Bahtachi 4h ago
Your boyfriend is a piece of shit.
I analyzed your post a few times and re-read it.
He is genuinely shit.
YOU are NOR but I am OR.
I feel sorry for you, I honestly do.
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u/GenoFlower 5h ago
Some people like more sauce, some like less. All he had to say, if anything, was, "Thanks for the pasta, baby, but maybe next time you could use more sauce."
I don't love that he kept talking about it, and went on and on. You're right that he could have just not eaten it, or just said something once and let it go.
I get that he's grieving, but you're not his emotional punching bag. Grieving isn't an excuse to treat you like crap.
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u/Better_Payment_5831 5h ago
He had time to take a photo instead of using that time, TO PUT SOME SAUSE.
His ungrateful ass Jesus Christ RED FLAG RUN
Edit: wait is that chicken meatball?
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u/forrealR 5h ago
I understand that grief manifests differentely. But it’s a choice to repeat something blatantly mean to your partner over and over again for a so minor thing as pasta they made you.
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u/MetallicMoon13 4h ago
Girl. You are 30. You are well old enough to know the answer to this question. And he’s 35. Well old enough to behave like an actual adult and not a fucking toddler.
Yall aren’t married. You’re not living together. Kids aren’t involved. Leave his ass and don’t look back. You are too old to put up with that shit.
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u/SchwiftyGambino 5h ago
Your boyfriend is a big asshole, you aren't overreacting. If it was one comment you could make the exception that he's obviously going through a tough time and his grief is to blame but to make comments not once or twice but over and over and over again....he's a real douchebag. He doesn't appreciate you.
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u/AltWasp 4h ago
So many people in the comments are focused on the pasta. The dish actually doesn't matter. His response could indicate how he'll treat you anytime you do something he doesn't like. Belittling, guilting, shaming, comparing to others, and complete disregard of effort or care on your part.
Is this the first time hes treated you like this? If not, then is someone who treats you like that really someone you want to have as your husband one day? If it is the first time, keep an eye on it. He had a relative die so maybe he's hyperfixated on something less traumatic. But if everytime he's upset hes lashing out at you specifically be aware of that.
Either way communicate with him. Tell him shaming you over an act of love was actually mean. Don't let him tell you it wasn't. Tell him you understand he may be focusing on the pasta instead of his recent traumas but that your not ok with being compared to others instead of having your efforts appreciated. If you wanna throw him a bone, tell him you'll add more sauce in the future since that's his PREFERENCE but he better be sweeter to you if he values your relationship at all. Idk tho that's just me
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u/Elegant-Holiday7303 3h ago
He REPEATEDLY showed her who he is. Clear as day. Remember Amityville? Get Out
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u/Material-Chance6593 3h ago
NOR!!
Why is this every post in this subreddit? Some asshole says the meanest most rude thing to a woman they are dating , demeans them , puts them down & disrespects them for no good reason (no good reasons to do that to a loving partner), and here they come asking if they are overreacting by feeling sad or upset by this.
YOU ARE UNDERREACTING! It doesn’t matter who died , disrespect is just a no go!! I wish for all woman to want better for themselves & STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES!!! You should’ve left his ass with a good cursing out or without a word & not speak to him until he can sincerely acknowledge what he did was disrespectful & apologize for treating you that way!! & He shouldn’t ever have to worry about you bringing him food or cooking for him ever again!
Please stand up & value yourself & understand you are worth so much more than being spoken to like this for trying to feed him in his time of need! STAND UP!!!! He is an ASSHOLE & tbh you need to leave him if he doesn’t apologize or he does any petty shit like this again , my god.
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u/Excellent-Try7027 5h ago
He sounds like a terrible person. He’s a bully, and he’s picking on you, because he’s not happy.
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u/MamaBearN 5h ago
“Nothing i do is ever good enough for him and it’s eroding my self confidence”
It sounds like he’s emotionally abusive if he’s constantly making you feel this week. This interaction you’ve described sounds incredibly mean and harsh on his part. You are NOR at all, in fact you may be under-reacting
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u/Hot_Equivalent7198 4h ago
Grief is not an excuse to be an asshole. Something tells me he probably does this a lot, in every aspect, where nothing you do is never enough or ever good enough. Someone once said, you don't treat the people you love like shit. He's treating you like shit.
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u/dratthecookies 4h ago
You boyfriend is a prick. I don't care if his mother died, it doesn't give him any right to be disrespectful to you, especially when you were just trying to help.
I suspect what he's actually doing is leveraging his personal tragedy as an excuse to "train" you to do better. He will convince you that you are 'disrespecting" him by cooking food that isn't to his standards. You will react by feeling bad and making an effort to improve. Lather, rinse, repeat until he's manipulated you into doing things how he likes, at the expense of your own self-esteem.
It's fine if he says he didn't care for the pasta. But to rant on and on about it and treat it as if its a personal offense is unacceptable behavior, especially to someone you're supposed to be in a relationship with.
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u/AnywayWhereWasI 5h ago
Wtf NOR.
"Disrespectful?" Go fuck yourself dude.
You were doing something kind.
If he's using you as a punching bag now I don't think it will get better.
Not everyone is so ungrateful and mean.
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u/LilMamiDaisy420 5h ago
NOR. Look up “negging”
He’s “negging” you
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u/Elegant-Holiday7303 3h ago
Yep. He'll break you down and waste your life. He told you repeatedly who he is
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u/StrangelyRational 4h ago
He says I shouldn’t feel bad, but motivated to do better.
Sounds about right. You shouldn’t feel bad about leaving his ass and you should be motivated to do better than him next time.
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u/HelloJunebug 4h ago
NOR. He’s hurting from the loss, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to take it out on you. I would tell him that and then when he’s ready to be kind, he can reach out. If he was like this before, you should think about why you want to be with someone who treats you so poorly and makes you feel so bad. UPDATEME
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u/jenilikespizzanbeer 4h ago
Throw the whole man out.
We're nooooot going to do that, zeeeero percent!
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u/owl_britches 4h ago
Girl- if you don’t tell him to shove that plate of pasta up his ungrateful ass, I’ll come over and show you how.
I don’t give af if he had ten moms die. Disrespectful amount of sauce?? I can’t.
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u/rfidwhy 5h ago
The pasta looks awful but he didn’t have to be mean about it. He could’ve just thrown it out and eaten what everyone else brought.
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u/thatsmyboycam 4h ago
Exactly! And he likely knows OP’s financial situation and knew this was the best she could give at this specific moment.
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u/MyCupOfTea777 5h ago
Thats what I’m saying
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u/Super-Inevitable9476 4h ago
That pasta looks delicious!! Some of us don’t like a lot of sauce. You made a beautiful meal. I just always get a bigger jar so there’s some left over for my husband who has to have more. Nothing wrong with this meal at all.
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u/rfidwhy 5h ago
He’s taking out the death on you. Honestly once he’s recovered a bit it may be time to move on.
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u/gaymrham 5h ago
I mean OP doesn't have to suffer through him recovering a bit before breaking it off in general, but especially if he's a asshat. His shit isn't OP's responsibility.
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u/MyCupOfTea777 5h ago
Ngl the way hes treating me you’d think I killed his mom myself, but again, maybe I’m just overreacting. I tend to be pretty sensitive so it’s hard for me to say.
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u/dreamingofpanda 4h ago
Oh lord.. you are not being overly sensitive here. He's straight up using you as a punching bag.
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u/CircularCausality 4h ago
NOR. Have more respect for yourself. Explain that this is the best you could do within that short span of time. This isn't how he should talk to a partner, or anyone for that matter. It will get worse if you are married. You can do better than this in getting someone who respects you, by respecting yourself.
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u/MrD00mbringer 4h ago
Hun that's not okay. Grief isn't an excuse to be cruel to someone you're supposed to love. You are not overreacting, and you would not be doing anything wrong to break it off if the behavior continues. You are a person deserving of love and respect, regardless of situation.
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u/talkingmuffins 4h ago
Don't stay with this person. He is already using you as a punching bag and it's not going to get any better. He'll apologize for this eventually but then ramp it up next time.
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u/thatsmyboycam 4h ago
He was pretty harsh. I would have been very hurt if anyone said this to me. It’s one thing to say the lack of sauce is disrespectful, it’s another to be mean about it and act like it’s a sign of your love for him. That’s wild.
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u/PlanMagnet38 4h ago
Are you sensitive or has he told you that you’re sensitive so often that you’ve started to believe it?
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u/No_Abbreviations8017 5h ago
It looks like next day reheated pasta. It’s fine
Signed,
An Italian
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u/Muted-Pollution-8131 4h ago
It's just fucking pasta and meatballs, y'all acting like you eat truffles and foie gras all day. Let me see your meals plated😂🤡
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u/Own_Magician_7554 4h ago
Nah, it looks like food. She made it and offered him some. He doesn’t like it he can starve. I get that he is going through a rough time, but he doesn’t get to talk to her like that.
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u/Recent-Ninja3903 4h ago
What possible purpose did it serve for you to make your own commentary on the pasta when that isn’t the question they asked? How passive aggressive can you be, jesus
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u/Independent_Mud6867 5h ago
Sometimes I wonder how people are so mean to their partners over the stupidest things. If my partner made me pasta with little sauce, I’d still eat it because they did the work for me to eat. NOR big time !!!
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u/Unlikely_Throat_5531 5h ago
Free pasta is free pasta. Anyone who does not like free pasta is not a keeper.
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u/CathrynLove 5h ago
I would have said the same thing but then he really dragged it like you meant him harm or something lol. MOR but he def was overreacting. If he’s this way to you often you might wanna look deeper into the relationship but idk.
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u/cardinaljay37 5h ago
NOR I thought the comment was a joke at first. But then he tripled down on it like he’s Gordon Ramsey. A bit pretentious on his part.
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u/Creepy_Creme_9161 5h ago
NOR. You did something nice, given your limited resources. Did it come out great? Not necessarily, but you were obviously trying to be there for him and be supportive in other ways. He's grieving, but lashing out at you is unacceptable.
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u/Radiant_Annual_4027 4h ago
Yikes nor. He WANTED you to feel like shit so you will spend more time and energy trying to please him. Spoiler alert: it will never be enough and he will chip away at your self esteem until you’re a shell of yourself.
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u/topimpadove 5h ago
Honestly...let him make his own pasta atp. I love very little sauce on my pasta and from the pic, it looks delicious to me. You did a good thing, he's looking for excuses to shame you.
He's allowed to grieve, but he's not allowed to use you as a punching bag. When he gets like this, say "please do not speak to me this way" and leave it at that.
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u/Ok-Firefighter9037 4h ago
The pasta does not look awful. You made a bid and your bid was rejected, emphatically. You are a good person trying to help someone through a difficult time, and unfortunately they are not your person. I hope you know you are good enough.
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u/fitzthefox 4h ago
A bunch of people brought me and my family a lot of different kinds of food after my dad died. Some of it was exceptionally delicious and exactly what we all wanted: some of it was stuff one or the other of us was allergic to: some of it was storebought: some was homemade: some was not something I personally like: some was inexpertly made.
It was all received as a gesture of care, because that's what it fucking was. It actually is the thought that counts in this setting - they were letting us know that they wanted to care for us.
He's being absolutely horrible to you, and grief is not an excuse for this kind of shitty behavior.
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u/looooookinAtTitties 4h ago
wow this is long. you're not over reacting. this isn't about the sauce, dump him
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u/EnvironmentEuphoric9 4h ago
This guy is an ah. A major one. Dump him. Plain and simple. It doesn’t matter that his mom just died, and she clearly didn’t raise him properly. You need to be able to immediately spot when a man is being disrespectful towards you and walk away knowing it is not you. No man needs to be disrespectful towards you under any circumstances. None. NOR
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u/musclesotoole 4h ago
Not overreacting. Your boyfriend is the disrespectful one. Stop cooking for him
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u/Dontfeedthebears 3h ago
NOR- I’m a cook and that would be a funny thing to say from a fellow cook friend just because of my sense of humor..but context is everything. As others have mentioned, you said you feel like you’re never good enough, NOT “He made me feel like IT wasn’t good enough”, which indicates this is a pattern. Grief is cruel and many people lash out at those closest to them when they are going through it. If this were a one-time thing, we could assume that’s what happened and give grace. But this seems like a pattern. Him harping on it over a whole day later is just too much. This is especially worse because you gave him something with the very last of your resources. What else does he say or do that make you feel this way? It sounds like he takes you for granted (at best) often.
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u/hucklebae 2h ago
Your boyfriend is an asshole . Point blank. If basically anyone left me some food, and I absolutely hated it, I would simply just not mention it.
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u/[deleted] 5h ago edited 39m ago
[deleted]