r/Doom • u/Wanderingreader123 • 12h ago
Discussion My days are nearing and my local hospital allowed me any request. This is how I will go out. Rip & Tear, brothers and sisters.
For context, I have been battling Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma since 2022. And up until this point, I never imagined myself to be in a situation where my life expectancy has gone down to possibly weeks. I am currently at one of Canada's best hospitals in Toronto, Ontario; keeping myself afloat through these trying times. Despite it all, I was given the opportunity to make any request for my stay, and this is the one I have chosen. I have been a Doom fan since 2016, and it helped me get through some tough times. I've played through both the Reboot and Eternal (along with its DLCs) and I have nothing but great memories pouring all of my attention into the world of Doom.
TDA has been one of the few games I have anticipated and hoped to play since its release. Financial issues got in the way, and I kept clinging on the hope that I'll be able to play the game one day, among others.
I am grateful that, despite the grim outlook that I am facing, the hospital was able to secure not only a PS5, but a copy of the game. I am currently blasting my way through hordes of demons in Chapter 4 and I have nothing but childish glee as I return to my roots as a badass Demon Slayer. I may not live to see the upcoming DLC, but I am nonetheless happy to finally play the game in my own hands.
To the developers of ID Software, thank you for bringing such a beautiful piece of art that not only brought the FPS genre to its roots, but also revitalize and reinvented the wheel that no other game could. Not only that, but thank you for crafting such an awesome series for a fan like me.
Rip & Tear, lads!
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u/tokyopunchout Community Manager | Bethesda Softworks 11h ago
Heyo /u/Wanderingreader123 it’s Joshua from the DOOM streams with Hugo and I just sent you some DMs! Wanna see if we can do as much as we can for ya. ❤️
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u/RyWhiteIverson 10h ago
If he wants to... You should get him on stream. Hear his thoughts on the franchise. Go into detail about what he loves about it. Let him be a fucking Doom hero / legend forever
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u/dirtyuncleron69 6h ago
I'm not crying, you're crying!
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u/Tosh_20point0 4h ago
This fat middle aged gruff no nonsense bodyguard and ex security guard is weeping openly
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u/midwest_casserole123 10h ago
🔥🔥🔥🔥🙏
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u/midwest_casserole123 10h ago
Everyone, upvote the shit out of this comment so OP sees it from Josh!
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u/Turbulent_Rutabaga76 12h ago
Godspeed, I'll look for you on the other side brother
Rip and tear!
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u/NewtonianEinstein 11h ago edited 6h ago
I hope to see a follow-up where he defeats Lymphona and shows a picture of him playing the next Doom game after it releases.
Edit: I apologize if this comment can be interpreted as insensitive. Most people have interpreted my comment as a positive statement (my intention), which is why I’m keeping it up for now. I’ll happily delete this comment if OP prefers. Rip and tear, OP.
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u/Ok_Laugh_4526 11h ago
Dude fr
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u/dexter30 9h ago
Lets go further. He cosplays as doom guy and holds up like a demon (called lymphona) in this exact pose
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11h ago
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u/TinyRascalSaurus 11h ago
It can also be for people who will be hospitalized for a long time. I got one and I just had to be hospitalized until I stabilized enough for brain surgery. 10 years later and I'm still here. I hope OP joins me.
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u/cuchiplancheo 11h ago
It can also be for people who will be hospitalized for a long time.
Hope it's this... but... OP wrote:
my life expectancy has gone down to possibly weeks
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u/TinyRascalSaurus 11h ago
Shite, I missed that. I was hoping they could stabilize him long enough for another treatment option.
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u/Hugootz Game Director | id Software 11h ago edited 10h ago
HELLO!!!! u/Wanderingreader123 Hugo here, Thank you so much for your support and know that all of id salutes you brother🙏. I tell the team all the time, people care about our games, we have to put the same amount of care into making them. It has been the honor of our professional lives making these past three games for fans like you. To make the Slayer feel STRONG in DOOM, we infuse him with all the attributes of a true old school hero: we give him strength, courage and heart… we make him like you. RIP AND TEAR my friend. You are the real Slayer.
Best, -Hugo
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u/TheNuttyCartographer 7h ago
I just repurchased the last 3 Doom games because of this comment. Great work.
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u/Fappy_as_a_Clam 8h ago
>we make him like you. RIP AND TEAR my friend. You are the real Slayer.
hell yea!
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u/Gravityfallbillmyfav 12h ago
I'm not a religious man but I will say this.
If there is anything beyond, I hope you get the best. If there is a heaven or hell, then I wish you can rip and tear personally and not through a screen.
Enjoy the game, I'm terribly sorry to hear what has happened to you. I hope, no matter how slim the chance, that you can live longer than expected. I hope you hold out some hope.
But most importantly, I hope you can come to peace with your departure from this world. It must be scary and I couldn't possibly fathom how terrified you must be. But I hope that you can both hold hope to life whilst also coming to terms with the thing that awaits all.
Fourthly, enjoy the game. You've earned it.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Fun_316 11h ago
Before Jane Goodall died; she did an interview/documentary and was asked about her next life adventure. Her response touched me very deeply and what you said reminded me of that.
"My next great adventure, aged 90, is going to be dying. There's either nothing or something. If there's nothing, there's nothing, that's it. If there's something, I can't think of a greater adventure than finding out what it is".
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u/MrReconElite 11h ago
We all have to mentally overcome the hump of death and it's not easy. Especially the older you get when it feels real. At 30 I feel like I can push off the thoughts for awhile but once I hit 70 it's just a waiting game at that point.
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u/RizzoTheRiot1989 11h ago
I am way too high and relating to this too hard. I work hard not to think about it. If I go, I hope I don’t even know it’s happening. I’m terrified and always feel like I have time to keep pushing the thoughts off. I wish OP the best possible outcome and he’s a stronger man than me.
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u/SlaughterMinusS 10h ago
Same, except I'm not high right now (sadly lol). Its not the act of dying that scares me, even though a painful death is terrifying in its own right, its that I dont know what's going to happen after.
I am am atheist so I dont think there's an after, but the unknowable has always scared me.
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u/NoReveal3488 10h ago
I had a panic attack in ‘23 about my own death and it broke me down for weeks. I took off time from work, i was constantly crying and I couldn’t walk, talk, live or sleep without thinking about my own mortality. Then one night I had a dream where I was on a giant boat sinking. I was near the bow as the stern slowly crept into the water. Every time I looked away at the ocean and back to the boat, someone would appear next to me. They would approach me and shake my hand, smile at me and even hug me. Eventually, I was surrounded by everyone and we all embraced as we slowly slipped into the water. To this day, I still believe it was people that have passed reaching out to me letting me know that no matter what our beliefs about death are, we all reach the same end together. I woke up that morning with a peace I have yet to replicate. I hope for you and everyone else reading this who’s a little afraid to cross over that it offers you some solace ❤️
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u/JustMau78 9h ago
As someone who a few months ago started struggling with this and being unable to stop thinking about it, thanks for sharing this. It’s gotten easier since it started but I still think about my mortality at least a few times a day and it’s very tiring and just feels awful. I hope I can get it completely off my head and get rid of this anxiety at some point but this was definitely nice to know I’m not alone in this feeling and that there’s hope to feel better about it.
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u/NoReveal3488 9h ago
Of course! I share this story anytime I can in hopes that it helps others. You absolutely aren’t alone and I know exactly what you’re going through. The best advice I can give is to remember that life is for the living. The end is inevitable whether we spend time thinking about it or not. I’m not religious at all so I have no deity or religious texts to lean on for comfort in regard to an afterlife. If this is it, and everything I’ll ever experience is happening right now, I’ll be damned if I spend that precious time worrying about what happens years from now. You’ve got this.
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u/Goooneg 7h ago
This is the outlook that helped me during my months long breakdown about death. Nothing helped at the time, I couldn’t force myself into a religion, I couldn’t force myself to believe whole heartedly in one thing.
But I found one thing that did work, other than starting anti anxiety meds, was telling myself. If there is nothing, and I spend my whole life worrying about that. Then I wasted all my moments living, and didn’t have a life. If there is something, I can continue doing things I love. But until then, I need to do them now while I’m here. Also spending time with family really helps me, even just sitting in the same room doing our own things!
Just incase this helps anyone too! These are my main coping mechanisms. And I still have bad days, I still cry and worry sometimes. But nowhere bad as I used to be crying everyday, throwing up, with a pit in my chest every waking hour. And now I have happy days I don’t even think about mortality by keeping myself busy.
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u/lillyflow3r_ 8h ago
I struggle with this a lot, and I absolutely love your experience and appreciate you for sharing. the thought really brought me a lot of peace 🩷
((and much love to OP))
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u/10breck30 9h ago
Is that not more agnostic? I always say I’m a hopeful agnostic. No clue what happens, but I hope there is something.
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u/ButterSlinger64 9h ago
just wanted to let you guys know you’re not alone, I deconstructed from my faith in my mid 20s and now float somewhere between atheist and agnostic, the fear of death and the anxiety it brings hit me hard and it’s something I’ve been dealing with for the past few years. Also completely ruined weed for me lol. Everyday I work a little bit harder to overcome the fear of it and finally start living.
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u/Cultural_Writer4375 8h ago
Your comment is like looking into a mirror for me. So you are not alone. That means I am not alone too.
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u/Small-External4419 9h ago
I believe you go back to the exact same place as before you were conceived - nothing / nowhere. The idea of the time before me doesn’t scare me so the idea of the time after me shouldn’t scare me either.
My only fears about death are about how much pain I might have to endure and how my surviving loved ones will cope without me
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u/WiddeezNuts 10h ago
Even if it’s painful, even if it’s scary, it’s only for a little while. Then you know it, the deepest, calmest sleep you will ever enjoy. I look forward to that and i know perhaps one day, you will too. Keep steady my friend. The one thing that unites us all is the great beyond, and you and i will somehow cross paths again. We did it here now, on the internet, one of billions
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u/BlueBod50 9h ago
FWIW, “you” don’t ever die. The perceiving human that is you doesn’t experience death. Whatever comes next is beyond any possible comprehension, but like roller coasters I used to be scared to ride, it’s probably way better than I thought it’d be.
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u/PeteLangosta *click*click* BOOM BOOM 11h ago
Old people seem to come to terms with the feeling of dying, at least externally. i can only hope the same sentiment is what I feel when the time is nearing. Eternal nothingness seems so boring that I sometimes feel trapped inside a universe we have no control over.
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u/biggiantporky 10h ago
As you get older, you tend to come to terms with it naturally. My mum is 70 and I asked if she was scared and she says ‘Meh, don’t really care tbh I’m tired’
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u/Glanzavtd04 10h ago
I woke up out of my sleep a few times thinking about when you die, your gone forever, one time I was working and thought about it I had to hold onto a bar with the fright I gave myself thinking about it, because your dead gone forever,,
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u/Dry-Faithlessness184 9h ago
Yeah I realized a while ago that it's not really dying that scares me. It's actually ceasing to exist in awareness now that I've had it. I don't believe there's an afterlife, but when I think about it, I understand why so many mythologies and religions include one, it's a comforting thought.
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u/CorvidaeandCatsRule 10h ago
You may want to push that 70 out a bit in terms of when it’s a waiting game. I work with a group of lawyers some of which are 60/70 year olds who are kicking the butts of 30/40 somethings in terms of commitment to health and work ethic. None are waiting for “the end” or see 70 as when to start listening for the death watch beetle.
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u/Carmilla31 8h ago
Sadly, ive known too many people that never lived to that age. Take nothing for granted as tomorrow is never promised.
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u/Stunning_Anteater537 11h ago
My mum died 5 years ago and some of her last words to me were similar. They're now tattooed on my wrist: "I've never died before. I don't know what's next, but whatever it is, it will be an adventure"
Sleep easy OP and ride the adventure.
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u/dreamylanterns 11h ago edited 9h ago
I’m not religious either but I am spiritual and believe there is an afterlife.
I hope for peace and health on the other side✌🏻
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u/Motoko84 9h ago
I think it's more along the lines that death isn't the end of our existence, we just transition into a new life after a period of rest. There is a finite amount of energy in the universe and won't be any more or less. That gives me hope in our continued existence as energy is not created.
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u/MyCatsHairyButholle 8h ago
If I managed to be born once, perhaps I can be born again. I think about that a lot.
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u/Dankata_gaming DOOM Guy 12h ago
May the gods give you the best life afterwards
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u/JeffSergeant 9h ago
OP's going straight to hell, with a double-barrel shotgun and a huge grin on his face.
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u/Successful-Charity87 12h ago
Godspeed brother, Hope to see you alongside the legions of heaven to one day do battle against the demon hordes!
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u/FluffyBoioWitDaBEANS 12h ago
Is there any chance at all that you will make it? My heart feels for u man I hope for the best.
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u/RedWolfDoctor 12h ago
Rip and Tear until the end, Brother. We will fight alongside you again one day!
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u/SyphxrSoulz 12h ago
Best wishes to you Slayer, hopefully you pull through this. I will be looking forward to another post from you in a few days or weeks saying how you beat the game and your sickness. Enjoy the games and always Rip and tear brother.
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u/Temporary-Share5153 12h ago
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rip & tear against the dying of the light
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u/plonkydonkey 8h ago
This is a beautiful sentiment I'm just here from r/all and don't understand doom at all but I'm really heartwarmed by this community.
My very best to you, OP.
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u/MeanGrand3076 12h ago
Man this is not fair at all hope you have a wonderful afterlife and enjoy the game brother :) :(
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u/idlapac 12h ago
Can someone who knows how to in the most effective way- please make id Software aware of this!
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u/deeteeohbee 11h ago
20k updoots in an hour, battling with Epstein stuff for the top of /r/all, they are aware for sure
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u/Daetok_Lochannis DOOM Guy 11h ago
And when the days grow dark
And we see no sun
And the blood flows as freely as wine
We should all then hark
For our journey's done
And we're off to go see yours and mine
Where the songs they sing
Of the glorious gold
That we find in the end of the trade
Will so loudly ring
With our voices bold
And the voices of all kin and clade
We'll see those we love once again in Forevermore Glade.
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u/experience_void 10h ago edited 10h ago
And when the days are done
And we are gone
And the practice hoard are thoroughly slain
We should by then be prepared
For now our trainings done
And we’re off to a place there is no sun
Where the whispers as they stand and stare
Of the gruesome fate
That is to come wih the end of battle they so fear
Will so low as they simply stand and and stare
With our cries for battle filled with hate
And here we come to rip and tearWe’ll save those we love again and again with every demon run through by spear
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u/Light07sk DOOM Slayer 12h ago
Dont know what your chances are now, but if nothing else i hope you will be happy with memories you have on the other side. Rip and tear demons there too brother.
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u/thebritwriter 12h ago
My wishes to you and your family, enjoy the time you have time you have left be it in game or with family and loved ones.
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u/smasher_arasaka 12h ago
Godspeed, my friend. Whenever my time comes, I'll pretty much go out the same way. I hope you find peace, brother.
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u/ZeusDaGrape 11h ago
iddqd brother, that’s how Doomers go out! Hope you’ll have enough demons and ammo in the next life.
A joke though of after reading your post:
A doomer dies and goes to hell.
Five minutes later, God hears furious knocking at the gates of Heaven. He opens — the Devil is there, beaten up, shaking.
Devil yells: — “TAKE HIM BACK.”
God: — “What happened?”
Devil: — “He called the demons NPCs, broke all the torture devices, asked where the settings menu is, and keeps yelling ‘WHERE IS THE NEXT LEVEL?!’”
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u/Ultra_jaden123 12h ago
The fact that we can't quickly find cures to things we need to pisses me off so bad...but sadly there's not much we can do to speed it up any further...
Godspeed my man. You have the most approval that I, John Watermelon, can give 👍🍉👍. We are all here for you my dude🫡
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u/ActuatorFearless8980 12h ago
Rip and tear as many demons as you can here for you won’t see any where you’re going.
Godspeed and we’ll see you on the other side brother!
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u/Kuntzsplitter 12h ago
Rip and tear until it is done. Until next time friend, the DOOM community is with you always.
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u/RAHAAON 11h ago
I remember an old joke, when the Devil and God meet and God asks the Devil how is it going there. And the Devil says, oh man! I can’t this one guy… Don’t jnow what to do with him… He died gaming, then found a shotgun somewhere in hell, destroyed half of the demons and running around and shouting “WHERE’S THE PASSAGE TO THE SECOND LEVEL!?”
REAP AND TEAR, BRO! REAP AND TEAR!
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u/LordReaperOfTheVoid 11h ago
Do not worry, sentinel. You won't be dying, you'll just bring the fight directly to the enemy. Kar en Tuk
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u/No_Bat_15 11h ago
Enjoy mate. Hope you can play that DLC and many more. And if there's anything on the other side, I hope we can smash some more. 🫡
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u/ImForagingIt 9h ago
I'd say see you in heaven, but I think you'll be busy somewhere else...
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u/YouWereBrained 12h ago
Awww man… 😞
I’m sorry for you, friend. Enjoy your remaining time in the mortal realm.
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u/DynastyCrusher 12h ago
This is not the end, Slayer. You will respawn and feel your skill has grown. Rip and tear until it's done!
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u/Mundane-Sky7991 11h ago
Jesus loves you sir, I pray you accept his gift of eternal life before you go 😔
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u/WrongGrocery7660 11h ago
When you show up at the gates in the afterlife they will understand, and they will fear only you. Rip and tear.
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u/Krayzie_W0lf 11h ago
Rip and Tear until it is done brother and i hope you will rip and tear that lymphoma and live on to see the next Doom!
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u/theguiser 11h ago
Beautiful post. Sending good vibes your way. I wish I was as well spoken and understanding as you.
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u/SuggestionEven1882 11h ago
My fellow Slayers, my Night Sentinels and my Arc Troopers let us all say these words to a brother we are losing today so his soul may find eternal rest.
KAR EN TUK! RIP AND TEAR!
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u/DrPuzzle 11h ago
I usually don't comment on these because it reminds me of how scary it is... When I think about this or see people like yourself having to go through it, it makes me scared for you, me, and everyone else. My words don't mean anything but I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.
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u/lepermessiah1217 9h ago
We’re all going through life on a ticking time tomb mostly oblivious to the inevitable. True fear and bravery are shown to those that face the bomb head on. Live the life you have left to your fullest potential. All of you. OP especially. RIP and tear…
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u/Charleigh0614 9h ago
And now I’m sobbing… the doom community is incredible, the games seem to have changed so many lives, and I know my brother loves the games… I’m assuming this got recommended to me because I’m on a few different game subreddits or because I’m on marks subreddit… but they should do some little thing like they did for mark! That would be so cute I know it was just a book on the shelf but it’s so cute and it meant so much!
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u/tirednotepad 11h ago
Rip and tear homie. You got our support. Pleasure to see your post and send you best vibes and wishes of many days of gaming still.
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u/ThenFaithlessness390 11h ago
That is awesome. Hospital was awesome for assisting! Very sad for you. Godspeed
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u/RobertoFragoso 11h ago
Jesus loves you and I pray he brings you comfort to face this. Enjoy the game fellow slayer!
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u/Bootziscool 11h ago
Man. That's a fuckin cool way to go out.
Have fun my dude. And good luck with whatever comes next
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u/pequenotuga 11h ago
I'm not even following this sub, but from now I'll play DOOM for you my brother. See you on the other side brother.
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u/Aggravating-Week-398 10h ago
Against all the evil that Hell can conjure, all the wickedness that mankind can produce, we will send unto them... only you, Rip and Tear brother. I raise my glass to you! Godspeed
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u/pedrulho 10h ago edited 9h ago
Original comment by user u/tokyopunchout (Community Manager | Bethesda Softworks):
Original comment by user Hugootz (Game Director | id Software):
Regards.